Sleepless in Puerto Rico

I can't sleep.  It is past 1am on a Sunday night and for the first time in a long time I am just up!  I'm sure not one but two cups of black sugar laden coffee at 7pm have something to do with this.  Also, I'm hungry.  But, its way too late to even go near the fridge so instead I'll write and hope that sleep comes soon after.

Let's see, what's new.  Well, today was a great day.  I went to church and helped produce a fundraiser/musical presentation for an up and coming Christian artist.  The dude is ridiculously talented.  I wouldn't necessarily be dubbed a Christian music fan much less a Spanish Christian music fan, but I think that alone speaks to his talent.  This fully bilingual, compelling song-writing, amazing voice-having, piano playing, young man has been blessed and somehow, as I find myself in a varied deja vu, I'm thinking that I may be too (blessed that is). See, a few years ago I was the artist and event manager for an up and coming underground MC.  Together we pushed to bring his dream to life.  We got a tour going, shot music videos, hustled for interviews and embarked on a mission to get his name and music seen and heard...all on a shoestring budget.  During that time I felt alive.  More alive than I had felt in awhile.  In fact, the last time I felt that amazing, I was pushing a community initiative in Philadelphia called "Project Peace".  The gun violence was out of control in the city and the radio station I was working for at the time decided we had a social responsibility to address it.  We used our influence in the community to increase an awareness and foster a consciousness that this had to stop and it started with each and every one of us.  Good times.  I think I was probably far too immature to really realize just how lucky I was to be apart of it all, but I can see it a lot clearer now.  Either way, those were my "alive moments" - career wise.  And somehow, I find myself here again.  An opportunity to be apart of something that can raise the consciousness of a community while being immersed in one of my truer loves in this life - great music.  Its too coincidental to be coincidental that I was hand picked to be a part of this "brain trust".  A humble group of five, all bringing something different to the table for one common goal: to help move this talent to a stage where his message can be heard, his music can be felt, his purpose can be realized. I'm trying to use the hard lessons I had to learn from previous experiences and turn them into wisdom-filled stepping stones in this latest chapter.  It's exciting and scary all at the same time - but I'm up for the challenge!

Mmmm Mango!

Wow I went from hungry to stomach growling, mouth salivating hunger!  I need to get to bed so I can wake up with time to make a delicious morning smoothie...yeah man morning smoothies are the bomb!  Benefit # 7,654 of living on a tropical island - fresh fruits like mangos and papayas!  Wait let me rephrase that, fresh, ORGANIC and FREE fruits like mangos and papayas (thank you family for your fruit trees) at your disposal.  So tomorrow morning, it will be one part coconut milk, one part ice, one part papaya, one part mango, a slice of fresh ginger, a dab of blackstrap molasses, a lemon mint leaf and a blender.  This is doing nothing for my present state of hunger but at least I have something to dream about now!  I'll try to take pictures before I devour this Morning Mango/Papaya Magic tomorrow...wait its 2am.  I mean, later today.  Ok enough is enough.  Coffee it is time to leave me be already because it is waaaay past my bedtime!!!!

PS - My hair is growing!! Not so sure how long I'll let it go, but I'm having fun with it right now so let the experiment continue!! I am so delirious right now...and so gonna pay for it in the morning...

New Beginnings

My first coco tree being planted!

Change is hard.  There is no secret about that.  But, change is good, even when its bad.  Yeah, I know, I might be losing you a bit so, let me take it back to December 2011.  The holidays this past year were a bit tough for me.  The year before I was smack in the middle of a Gonzalez family love fest...food, photos, music, even matching shirts!  We all came together, knowing that the lil bro would soon be overseas and I would be heading back to la isla.  We took advantage and celebrated con gusto.  Fast forward to December 2011, I found myself staying put in Puerto Rico.  As exciting as that sentence was written is as exciting as that experience was.  I certainly cried, wondered what I was doing there, and wallowed in self pity as I indulged in some greasy-poor-excuse-for-Chinese-food take out.  That was the turning point for me.  December 2011 I decided if I was going to continue living in Puerto Rico, it was going to have to be in my own apartment.

Don't get me wrong, living with Mama has been a blast, but I am a 30 year old woman...and for the last year, I've been a guest in her house.  Therefore, no (other) guests, no visitors, no entertaining, 9pm bedtimes, etc.  To be fair, Mama never laid out these house rules, but it wasn't to hard to read between the lines.  She, thank God, is still able to be independent.  So, by January, I was gone.

Uncles hard at work...well, one at least

Cousin digging the new garden

Like I said, change is hard.  And with every choice to make a change comes a learning curve of some sort.  So, the last few months have not passed without their fair share of challenges.  Initially, I felt like I abandoned Mama.  Like I got her use to having me there and then, once things started getting tough I just left.  I still struggle with that thought at times...but way less often than I use to.  Then, I felt like I wasn't really needed around as much as I thought I was and if I were to decide to leave PR it wouldn't be much of an issue.  But now, I've seemed to have come to a happy medium.  I do serve a purpose here but I don't have to live with her to serve that purpose.  Yes, the day will come when she can no longer live alone.  When that day comes, I will deal accordingly.  Until then, I will have to do what I can to ensure that I am prepared to handle that responsibility while continuing to move forward in my life.  So, I still lunch with Mama just about everyday, I sleep over twice a week, and I usually take Saturdays for myself.

Get 'er done!

Coco tree no. 2!

The upside, I have had several visitors already and that feels great!  A wonderful taste of home!  My aunt handed down just about every piece of furniture I now have, Mama got me a TV, my uncle and cousin came all the way from New York and gave me a jump start on my new garden, my parents came and put that overall home feeling in, my homegirl Amanda hooked me up with veggie dumplings (fresh from my favorite Chinese spot in THE BRONX) and chopsticks, oh and who could forget my other cousin who came and left me with enough Medalla and Sangria to entertain for quite awhile!  Needless to say, it's been a busy few months.

Family entertaining!

The downside, outside of vacationing visitors, I really haven't had time to entertain.  I work everyday except for Sunday, (which is for church).  I'm also trying to maintain my apartment as well as keep track of Ms. Mama's crib, which is something I knew was going to happen...but I made this bed, so I'm lying in it.   I will admit, the first few months I was totally stressed out, but now, I just try to take each day as it comes and each "challenge" as it presents itself.  The bills have increased while the income hasn't...yet the amazing thing is that it always seems to work out.  Blessings.  I've learned to count them.

Lunch in the new pad!  Don't worry, Mama was happier than she looks ;)

Fleeting Memories

Do you ever have moments when you just stop and realize you miss someone?  Be it a loved one lost, a far-away friend, or an estranged former lover?  You just see something that reminds you of a moment with them, you eat something that you know they'd just love, or your mind wanders just far enough to come up with a scenario involving them (be it from the past or totally fictitious 'what if' scenarios).  So, what do we do with that?

Some of us smile to ourselves, and with a hint of sadness, we continue to move forward.  Some, may allow it to linger just enough to lead to an action.  A grave visit, a prayer, an overdue phone call, or even a journal entry.

Others, well others, may hold on a little too long.  The memories become weights.  Stresses binding us, pulling us in like waves only surfers can appreciate.  A fleeting memory, a familiar scent, a Facebook post, a song, can all become a trigger for regrets, incessant review, and destructive repetitions.

We can often trace this behavior back to childhood.  I, for instance, was the kid who drank warm chocolate milk from the bottle way too late into life.  I also battled my way into my parents bed waaaay past the "cute" stage.  Oh, and did I mention my babysitter anxiety?? Misha could often be found crying by the door for about a half hour AFTER her folks left the house.  I'm old enough to remember this, so once again, way past the "cute" stage.  Wait, I almost forgot about my first few years in school, no picnic there either...for my parents and teachers alike.  The point is, as a kid I just couldn't let go.

Eventually, my parents threw out the bottles, FORCED me out of their bed, and went out on dates, whether I liked it or not.  And well, I had to go to school, so either I went my whole life being dubbed "the cry baby" or I cut it out.

Thankfully, as time passed, I ventured out and I found my wings.  But, just because you've got wings, doesn't mean you can't still get lost.

Stopping, resting, and gaining your bearings are essential.  Just be sure that where you land doesn't become self-imposed quicksand.  Reflecting, while re-energizing.  Keep pushing.  Keep flying.  Lord knows I am.

Words

As we prepare to ring in the New Year, some of us take inventory of the past year.  Wins and losses are often reviewed in an attempt to learn from them, to start the new year feeling a bit wiser.  Feeling smarter or, at the very least, better prepared for the year ahead of us.

2011 was the year of words for me.  Words attempting to be understood in Puerto Rico.  Spanish words attempting to explain sentiments to a grandmother who didn't always seem to understand (or at least acting as such).  English words that helped me secure not one, but two jobs.  Words of loneliness expressed to my loved ones.  Words of encouragement in return.  Words put into a text message, praying that they'd get to Japan as safely and warmly as they were sent.  Words of apologies followed by words of much needed forgiveness.  Words of friendship and words of true love.  Kind words that change the tone of brash ones in hard conversations.  Words read aloud, recorded and sent in the mail in an effort to remind the kids back home just how much their Titi loves them.  Words heard through car speakers accompanied by melodies of bittersweet memories filled with what ifs and maybes.  Words heard on a Sunday morning offering clarity, hope, love and The Way.

When I was young, I was taught that sticks and stones could break my bones but words, well words would NEVER hurt me.  This year confirmed this childhood song to be a myth.  Words are one of the most powerful tools man has.  Words have the ability to sting.  No words can be like a punch in the gut and often lead to useless tension.  Empty words only offer hopelessness, falling to the floor as flatly as they leave your mouth.  There should always be something behind your words.   But which way will you choose to use your words this year? Hate and destruction or love and inspiration?

Happy New Year from Puerto Rico!!

Silent Nights

The blog has gone dark lately and it seems that it hasn't necessarily gone unnoticed.  Funny enough, it went dark so I wouldn't "go dark".  This past month was pretty tough, mostly due to straight loneliness.  My loneliness led into a semi Facebook addiction that while I realized was pretty pathetic, I just couldn't seem to help.  Logging in multiple times a day, virtually punishing myself by looking at all the "happiness".  Every happily married couple, new and soon to be parents, newly engaged "friends", etc.  I found myself in this cloud of misconceptions.  The biggest one being that everyone else had it figured out, everyone but me.  See why I stayed silent now?  I didn't want to angry blog.  I needed to process what I was going through, reign it in and then share.

The end of this month marks my one year anniversary.  This time a year ago, two suitcases and a few boxes were packed and landed in Hormigueros, Puerto Rico.  The intended time span? Six months.  For me, six months was attainable.  I had no clue what I would be stepping into and so I didn't want bite off more than I could chew.  In my heart I knew it would most likely be more than six months but I'm guessing I didn't want to alarm myself nor anyone else for that matter.  Now, here, one year later, I can now say without a doubt I see no end in sight.  I am living day to day, enjoying where I am and the journey I'm on.  A cake walk it is not.  An exercise in patience, understanding, compassion, love and humility -- it most definitely is.

Throughout this year I've been stripped...financially (huge pay cut), physically (goodbye hair), romantically (long distance relationships, yeah, not so easy) and even socially (making friends at 30, also, not so easy).  As each layer was peeled back, a different pain emerged.  No more shopping, no more hiding behind my hair, no more comfort of a man, no more comfort of friends.  Just me.  Me and God.  He's dealing with me and seemingly stripping me down in an effort to build me back up.  Until recently, I was unconsciously resistant to it which really made this stage harder than it probably should have been.

Stripped.

A few weeks ago I had the privilege to speak with a friend that I hadn't spoken to in months.  In the course of our multiple hour conversation, we eventually got to just what was happening out here.  My experiences, my trails and tribulations, including that undeniable clock ticking in the back of my mind.  You know, that voice (which usually sounds eerily similar to that of your moms) that says "Girl, you're not 20 years old...you don't have a lot of time to figure it out, you've got to hurry up".  My friend proceeded to tell me about a sermon that addressed the issue of the role of the woman.  I just got a chance to watch this video and it was right on time.  God has without a doubt spoken to me through this video.  It confirmed my "God is stripping me" theory and has even given me the push I needed to continue to move forward.  I'm going to continue to allow him to do his work in me, try to be as obedient as possible, and look forward to the future me with an excited spirit.  I felt it was so valuable that I wanted to share it with you.  Yes, there is a kinda corny skit in the beginning but bear with it.  I do hope you can take something away from this. May not be what I took from it but I do believe there's something here for everyone.  Couldn't figure out how to include it here so here's the link: http://vimeo.com/7675479 

Customer Service for Dummies...

I am a pain in the butt...in a very general sense, just about anyone who has entered any sort of relationship with me (be it romantically, friendly, or family) has at one time or another said or thought these very sentiments (among others) about me.  In most of those situations, however, I have tried to curb my pain-in-the-buttness --- except when I am placed in the role of customer.  I'm sure it was a mix of my father and my sister/cuz who somehow drilled this into me through my developmental years, but either way, along the way, I have developed a need to support businesses that respect and value me as a customer.

Unfortunately, the days of "so sorry ma'am let's get that corrected" are seeming to slow down.  Here, in Puerto Rico, I am beginning to get the eery feeling that those days never really existed.  Here, it seems I am the only one up in arms about bad phone service, crappy mechanics, unjustified bill increases, $6 a gallon milk (I tell no lies people), incompetent city workers, office hours that obviously only work for the unemployed/retired crowd, doctors who shut their office down for a week AFTER booking days and days worth of patients (and not calling to reschedule), the list goes on.  Today, for sake of time and personal sanity I will touch on the "easiest" of all these.  The bad phone.

Had to "go white" on 'em

Back in August, Mama and I decided (after Mama was solicited by a telemarketer) to upgrade her home phone plan by adding wireless internet into the mix.  For $9 more, we'd have secure wi-fi and a free modem....done deal.  About a week later, our nightmare started.  For two weeks I had a modem but no service.  I called and was told it was being taken care of.  Two weeks later I discovered that was a blatant lie and a report hadn't even been made!  All of this information comes to me after hours of automated systems followed by hours of looped smooth latin jazz elevator music to keep me "entertained".  I also discovered that asking if the person on the other end could speak English so that we could better communicate the numerous issues was senseless.  Keeping me confused seemed to be part of the plan.  So, this week, when I received yet another erroneous bill from this company (Claro is the name becaues I need to name names), I took a deep breath and I "went white".  In no way am I trying to be offensive to any of my Caucasian American friends, but sometimes, unfortunately, to get things done the way you as a customer need them to get done, you gotta "go white".  So, as soon as the customer service rep picked up the phone and greeted me with her mile a minute Spanish greeting, I met her with my mile a minute Mish radio voice...never did I hesitate to worry if she could understand me nor did I bother giving her an opening by answering her in any way in Spanish.  She quickly put me on hold as I heard her hastily find someone, telling them they just needed to pick up the line because they couldn't handle me.  As soon as the English speaker picked up, and told me I had to be transferred to billing.  I put my "white" foot down and said "Let me bring you up to speed with what has been going on...I do NOT want to be transferred to anyone and if there is any way you can handle this issue, I would greatly appreciate it."  The result?  Ms. Santiago agreed, got on the case, and even brought in her supervisor, Ms. Pagan, in to really make some magic happen.  No elevator music.  No automated system.  Ms. Pagan even came back on the line every now and then to apologize for the wait and update me on her progress regarding fixing and FINALLY crediting my account.  It was one small victory but one that took over TWO MONTHS to accomplish.  I am not use to this nor do I want to get use to this.  Why did it have to come to this?  Why is getting what is just and fair from a company seeming like a part time job??

About a week ago I snuck in and out of New York for some family business (again Happy Bday Kris!) and during that time I was recounting my numerous frustrations with the manner in which business is done on la isla.  While reflecting, my mom just turned, looked at me and said "And why is it that you want to live there again?"  Initially, I shrugged her off, but it wasn't long before I had yet another oh-my goodness-can-you-believe-this-is-what-happens-in-PR story.  Again, she looked at me sideways and said "And your thinking of settling down there permanently for what reason?"  I hear her.  I get it.  She's not saying anything I haven't already (and continue to) wrestled with.  While for me the issue is Puerto Rico and its complete ignorance to customer service, the bigger issue is a lack of involvement.  A lack of demand.  Companies don't give it because we no longer expect it.  Sure, from my perspective, its way easier in the US to be up in arms about something, call the company or write a letter and get results.  But, more and more even that is getting difficult.  The checks and balances line has blurred and somehow we are beginning to believe that we owe them something.  That we can't live without what this company is offering.  Like we are not the ones who keep their business running.

Partially, like in the case of my issue with Jet Blue, these companies do have us by the cojones.  And so, they don't really have to do much for you....and they know it.  Let me explain, Jet Blue is to Western Puerto Rico what Greyhound use to be for Philly/New York commuters (before Peter Pan and the suspect but cheap China Bus...shout out to my TU folks).  Basically, if you're trying to get to Western PR and you don't want to embark on a 2+ hour drive from San Juan, you have to fly Jet Blue.  Sure, you could try Continental, but their schedules, seats, destinations and prices all SUCK.  So, for all intense purposes, Jet Blue has a monopoly because of their "cheap", comfortable and reliable service.  Normally, I am a Jet Blue fan, but as I've said before to be happy in life doesn't always mean you've got cash flow.  Tight budgets call for strategic planning.  So, on Monday when a ticket from NY to PR is $124 and I have to wait for a check to come in and on Tuesday its $165...well, that's an issue for me.  For most of you reading this, that price difference is nothing.  A drop in the bucket.  I know, I use to be you.  But, that is just not my reality.  And, more and more, it is not a lot of folks reality....watching your money is a necessity nowadays and watching how easily and quickly something that was originally valued at $99 can climb to as high as $900+ (it happened to my cousin) is just disrespectful.  So, in my furor I wrote.  I wrote a non-angry sounding, concise letter to Jet Blue explaining my situation, hoping for wonderfully-satisfactory-customer-appreciation-we-will-honor-the-lower-ticket-price loveliness.  Instead, I got a manufactured, run of the mill, sorry-you-have-to-take-it-up-the-tailpipe-we-can't-help-you-we-know-you-have-to-get-home-so-find-a-credit-card-or-sugar-daddy response.  Disappointment.  Utter and complete disappointment and worry about the seemingly waning power of the consumer.  I was jaded and beginning to lose hope....but then one supermarket changed all that.

One of the last times I went back home, I wracked up on groceries.  Puerto Rico isn't exactly packed full of Whole Foods or Trader Joe's or even Fairways.  Getting organic, vegan or vegetarian items are difficult and very expensive over here (uh oh here comes mom's sideway look and voice in my head again).  So, I did what I usually do and I rolled out to Fairway and went on a shopping spree.  It wasn't until I got back to Puerto Rico and began to balance my checkbook (yes, there are people who still do that) that I realized that I had been overcharged close to $25 dollars!  The cashier had made a huge math error with my Quinoa purchase AND the Quinoa flour that I purchased was expired.  I, by this time, was jaded and didn't want to deal with another damn customer service person.  In my mind I thought Let it go, what can they really do?  You're in PR, you can't prove the flour is old and you can't prove you don't actually have 8 boxes of Quinoa in your cupboard.  But, that little customer-is-always-right-I-must-be-heard-pain-in-the-butt person inside of me just couldn't let it go.  So, I shot them an email.  A few days later a very apologetic, very concerned customer relations person responded.  She asked me for  a few details from my receipt and within 48 hours I had an e-mail from her emphatically apologizing, informing me that my account would be credited and encouraging me to continue shopping with her store.  As a result of that experience, I heart Fairway.

I will continue to spend my precious money there and feel good about it.  We should feel good about the places we spend our money and feel good about the things we spend our money on.  No, you don't have to occupy Wall Street to make a change (although it is awesome if you decide to head down there for the right reasons...not just to be part of a circus), but YOU DO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.  Don't allow yourself to be kept "busy" with technology and day to day drudgery.  Take a moment and look at the big picture.  The power has, is, and will always be in our hands...as long as we remain conscious.  We are the 99%!  Write a letter, voice a concern, call a congressman, demand recycling in your neighborhood (that's more of a PR issue...yet again), whatever it is...but stand for something.  Not just empty jokes, I don't care attitudes, and ignorance is bliss demeanors...

Titi Viña

She was small in stature, which gave her a great reason to keep a cute pair of pumps on her feet.  Whether it was patent leather Mary Janes or simply a diva like sandal, Titi Viña was always dressed, hair done, nails painted and zapatos on.  She was also always smiling, happy to receive company, as welcoming as ever.  Whenever I interacted with her she always seemed to have a glimmer in her eye, a look of pride and joy.  Maybe because I was Misha…la nieta de Celina, la hija de Neno…which meant I was family... or maybe it was just her way.  She would hug me as tightly as her petite arms could, then take a few moments to stare at me with those warm eyes and proceed to speak to me (whether I understood her or not).  This was Titi Viña.

Tit Viña, Tio Victor and Tata

In May, Titi Viña was diagnosed with Leukemia.  The doctor’s prognosis was grave, six months, they said. Initially, the family (naturally) reacted with sorrow but quickly just about everyone turned to prayer.  We spoke prayerfully and positively together and in our quiet time alone, we prayed.  I’m sure our prayers varied.  Most of us knew that there was a great possibility that the cancer was so far advanced that the result would inevitably be…well, what realistically is the inevitable for ALL of us.  Sobering thought, I know.  So, for me, at least, my prayers were for peace, for comfort, for limited pain and suffering.

Often times, non-believers say “Well, if there’s a God, why is there cancer and suffering? Especially to someone like Titi Viña or Mama Celina (my beloved grandma…may she rest in peace)?”  I can't necessarily claim to know the method to His madness but I do know that God has a plan and we are all part of his divine design.  Period.  I’m not God, so I can’t tell you why my car can go flying across the FDR one warm Saturday night and I can walk away from that virtually unharmed while Leukemia and Alzheimer’s plagued Titi Viña…in and out of the hospital for months.  I do know we all have a purpose.  I do know that Titi Viña touched lives as did Mama Celina and Papa.  I know that these three individuals (amongst many others) have helped develop character within our family.  They’ve shown us how to treat people, they’ve silently emphasized the importance of family unity and they’ve instilled values in us.  Tools, if you will, that we are expected to pass on to our children.

During the next few months, there were ups and downs.  There were times when she would feel strong enough to leave her bed and hang out in the living room, reminiscing on favorite past times and, in between chuckles, she would warn me that long distance relationships are relationships for the foolish.  Then there were the other times...when she just looked tired.  When a hospital room was the last place she wanted to be, and when she would urge her daughters to break her out and take her home.  Titi Viña had a fighting spirit though, so just when you thought she couldn't go one more day, she would somehow find the strength to pull through and make it back to where she wanted to be - home. 

So, on September 4, 2011, when I got word that Titi Viña had gone on to be with the Lord, I sighed and I cried.  I sighed a sigh of relief for her.  Her suffering was over.  She's at peace now, probably hanging with her sister (my grandma), keeping an eye on all of us.  Then I cried.  I cried for those of us left behind.  Will we make them proud?  Will we continue to stay together/united as they were...dedicated and loyal to their brothers and sisters, uncles, nieces, etc.?  No matter who lived in New York or some other part of the country, our elders have always kept in touch, sought each other out, and rolled out the red carpet for each other.  I can only pray we'll continue to do the same.

Titi Viña

That morning, shortly after I got the news of Titi's passing, I walked out into the kitchen and ran into Mama.  She was preparing to take Max for his morning walk.  Mama and Titi Viña were cruise buddies and it was just a few short weeks ago that Titi Viña found the strength to come for a visit.  Mama often asked about her and so I knew that I would have the unpleasant task of delivering the news.  I wasn't sure how Mama was going to take the news, but I decided to just do it.  As I told her, her eyes drooped and her shoulders dropped.  "Well..." she pushed out, "...we knew it was coming and now she's feeling no pain, no suffering."  As she spoke I saw more in her body language and her eyes than I had ever seen before.  At any age, the thought of death is often sad and scary.  But, at 87, it has to be double sobering.  All your friends, companions, peers are going one by one.  Before I knew it I was hugging her tightly and whispering in a cracked voice "Te amo".  Surprisingly, she responded.  "I love you too, mi amor.  I am so happy you're here.  I use to say to myself, 'Wow, I have a granddaughter and I am of no importance to her.  She's forgotten about me', and look, here you are." Her eyes got glassy and I just hugged her, shooshing her insecurities away.  This was the tightest I can ever remember my Mama hugging me, and without a doubt, the most sincere and eloquent she's ever been in her feelings towards me.  "I can't forget about you Mama." I whispered to her as we embraced.

Value who you have, honor who you've had, and every day try to love just a little bit more.  

Rest In Peace Titi.