Moving On

Moving on has to be one of the hardest things for a person to do.  No matter the age or the gender.  Be it moving on from a job, a relationship, a home, a city or even a way of thinking.  Change is a natural part of life but not always a welcomed one.  We see it all the time, in the lives of others and (at times begrudgingly) in our own lives.  Einstein once said, "The world as we have created it
is a process of our thinking.  It cannot be changed without changing our thinking."  That consciousness he is referring to, has to arrive before change can ever happen.  Realizing and recognizing when something no longer serves you or the road you've "selected" for yourself.  Change can be scary, almost paralyzing...but why?  Well, it’s very closely associated with another "ch" word -- choice.  People have protested and even died to secure our "right to choose" within this society.  Even God himself tells us through the Bible that we have been given the gift of free will.  Blue pill? Red pill? You have the final say.  Every moment of our lives we are making choices, both consciously and subconsciously.  So for those of us that love saying, "I don't know what to do" or "I'm so bad at making choices", well, perhaps there's a bit of a silver lining in the notion that every thing you do and DON'T do is...a choice.  So why is this relevant to change? Well, before we make a choice to change, we have to count up the cost.  That's when the What if's show up.  What if...what if the next job is worse than the last, what if he/she doesn't love me the way I imagined they would/should, what if I get my heart broken yet again, what if I really don't know what I want to be when I grow up, what if I never live in the same city as my family ever again, what if my friends stop calling me because of my new way of thinking, what if my family makes fun of me, what if I'm not strong enough, what if I'm not good enough, what if I truly am not all that I think I can be...

Just typing those what if's brought tears to my eyes.  Imagine carrying them around with you all the time? In my heart of hearts I believe we all know what we really want.  While many of us don't have a detailed map, if you pay attention you may realize that it feels like there is almost a code written within us that navigates us during those really important moments.  There's a section of society that make a conscious, unapologetic effort to follow that internal navigation.  You can call them yogis, Christians, spiritually awake people, Hindus, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Sufis, insert label here, etc. The label is simply a label, but is usually a first step to a truth that is sometimes difficult to put into words.  Simply put, you realize that you are part of something greater -- a grand design.  When this happens, you become keener.  Despierta (awake).  And so, when the change that needs to happen is counter to your very being, somehow you still make the choice.  Not because your heart and soul really wants to, but because it is literally the natural next destination on your map.  No, it may not end up the way you think it should have, no you may never live in the same city as your parents again, and he/she might tear your heart to pieces, and that job might just be the worst job you've ever had --- but that might be just what you needed to make you wiser, stronger, gentler, kinder, more forgiving.  The more "in tune" you become with the God that lives within, the more you can see, understand and even accept -- well, life.  Even if it hurts.  Moving on becomes less of a boogie monster.  The truth isn't so hard to tell anymore.  Choices are made with genuine consideration and not fear or anger.  Change is welcomed.  And in some way, if we're walking in love, even the world changes for the better.

New Beginnings

My first coco tree being planted!

Change is hard.  There is no secret about that.  But, change is good, even when its bad.  Yeah, I know, I might be losing you a bit so, let me take it back to December 2011.  The holidays this past year were a bit tough for me.  The year before I was smack in the middle of a Gonzalez family love fest...food, photos, music, even matching shirts!  We all came together, knowing that the lil bro would soon be overseas and I would be heading back to la isla.  We took advantage and celebrated con gusto.  Fast forward to December 2011, I found myself staying put in Puerto Rico.  As exciting as that sentence was written is as exciting as that experience was.  I certainly cried, wondered what I was doing there, and wallowed in self pity as I indulged in some greasy-poor-excuse-for-Chinese-food take out.  That was the turning point for me.  December 2011 I decided if I was going to continue living in Puerto Rico, it was going to have to be in my own apartment.

Don't get me wrong, living with Mama has been a blast, but I am a 30 year old woman...and for the last year, I've been a guest in her house.  Therefore, no (other) guests, no visitors, no entertaining, 9pm bedtimes, etc.  To be fair, Mama never laid out these house rules, but it wasn't to hard to read between the lines.  She, thank God, is still able to be independent.  So, by January, I was gone.

Uncles hard at work...well, one at least

Cousin digging the new garden

Like I said, change is hard.  And with every choice to make a change comes a learning curve of some sort.  So, the last few months have not passed without their fair share of challenges.  Initially, I felt like I abandoned Mama.  Like I got her use to having me there and then, once things started getting tough I just left.  I still struggle with that thought at times...but way less often than I use to.  Then, I felt like I wasn't really needed around as much as I thought I was and if I were to decide to leave PR it wouldn't be much of an issue.  But now, I've seemed to have come to a happy medium.  I do serve a purpose here but I don't have to live with her to serve that purpose.  Yes, the day will come when she can no longer live alone.  When that day comes, I will deal accordingly.  Until then, I will have to do what I can to ensure that I am prepared to handle that responsibility while continuing to move forward in my life.  So, I still lunch with Mama just about everyday, I sleep over twice a week, and I usually take Saturdays for myself.

Get 'er done!

Coco tree no. 2!

The upside, I have had several visitors already and that feels great!  A wonderful taste of home!  My aunt handed down just about every piece of furniture I now have, Mama got me a TV, my uncle and cousin came all the way from New York and gave me a jump start on my new garden, my parents came and put that overall home feeling in, my homegirl Amanda hooked me up with veggie dumplings (fresh from my favorite Chinese spot in THE BRONX) and chopsticks, oh and who could forget my other cousin who came and left me with enough Medalla and Sangria to entertain for quite awhile!  Needless to say, it's been a busy few months.

Family entertaining!

The downside, outside of vacationing visitors, I really haven't had time to entertain.  I work everyday except for Sunday, (which is for church).  I'm also trying to maintain my apartment as well as keep track of Ms. Mama's crib, which is something I knew was going to happen...but I made this bed, so I'm lying in it.   I will admit, the first few months I was totally stressed out, but now, I just try to take each day as it comes and each "challenge" as it presents itself.  The bills have increased while the income hasn't...yet the amazing thing is that it always seems to work out.  Blessings.  I've learned to count them.

Lunch in the new pad!  Don't worry, Mama was happier than she looks ;)