Fleeting Memories

Do you ever have moments when you just stop and realize you miss someone?  Be it a loved one lost, a far-away friend, or an estranged former lover?  You just see something that reminds you of a moment with them, you eat something that you know they'd just love, or your mind wanders just far enough to come up with a scenario involving them (be it from the past or totally fictitious 'what if' scenarios).  So, what do we do with that?

Some of us smile to ourselves, and with a hint of sadness, we continue to move forward.  Some, may allow it to linger just enough to lead to an action.  A grave visit, a prayer, an overdue phone call, or even a journal entry.

Others, well others, may hold on a little too long.  The memories become weights.  Stresses binding us, pulling us in like waves only surfers can appreciate.  A fleeting memory, a familiar scent, a Facebook post, a song, can all become a trigger for regrets, incessant review, and destructive repetitions.

We can often trace this behavior back to childhood.  I, for instance, was the kid who drank warm chocolate milk from the bottle way too late into life.  I also battled my way into my parents bed waaaay past the "cute" stage.  Oh, and did I mention my babysitter anxiety?? Misha could often be found crying by the door for about a half hour AFTER her folks left the house.  I'm old enough to remember this, so once again, way past the "cute" stage.  Wait, I almost forgot about my first few years in school, no picnic there either...for my parents and teachers alike.  The point is, as a kid I just couldn't let go.

Eventually, my parents threw out the bottles, FORCED me out of their bed, and went out on dates, whether I liked it or not.  And well, I had to go to school, so either I went my whole life being dubbed "the cry baby" or I cut it out.

Thankfully, as time passed, I ventured out and I found my wings.  But, just because you've got wings, doesn't mean you can't still get lost.

Stopping, resting, and gaining your bearings are essential.  Just be sure that where you land doesn't become self-imposed quicksand.  Reflecting, while re-energizing.  Keep pushing.  Keep flying.  Lord knows I am.

Silent Nights

The blog has gone dark lately and it seems that it hasn't necessarily gone unnoticed.  Funny enough, it went dark so I wouldn't "go dark".  This past month was pretty tough, mostly due to straight loneliness.  My loneliness led into a semi Facebook addiction that while I realized was pretty pathetic, I just couldn't seem to help.  Logging in multiple times a day, virtually punishing myself by looking at all the "happiness".  Every happily married couple, new and soon to be parents, newly engaged "friends", etc.  I found myself in this cloud of misconceptions.  The biggest one being that everyone else had it figured out, everyone but me.  See why I stayed silent now?  I didn't want to angry blog.  I needed to process what I was going through, reign it in and then share.

The end of this month marks my one year anniversary.  This time a year ago, two suitcases and a few boxes were packed and landed in Hormigueros, Puerto Rico.  The intended time span? Six months.  For me, six months was attainable.  I had no clue what I would be stepping into and so I didn't want bite off more than I could chew.  In my heart I knew it would most likely be more than six months but I'm guessing I didn't want to alarm myself nor anyone else for that matter.  Now, here, one year later, I can now say without a doubt I see no end in sight.  I am living day to day, enjoying where I am and the journey I'm on.  A cake walk it is not.  An exercise in patience, understanding, compassion, love and humility -- it most definitely is.

Throughout this year I've been stripped...financially (huge pay cut), physically (goodbye hair), romantically (long distance relationships, yeah, not so easy) and even socially (making friends at 30, also, not so easy).  As each layer was peeled back, a different pain emerged.  No more shopping, no more hiding behind my hair, no more comfort of a man, no more comfort of friends.  Just me.  Me and God.  He's dealing with me and seemingly stripping me down in an effort to build me back up.  Until recently, I was unconsciously resistant to it which really made this stage harder than it probably should have been.

Stripped.

A few weeks ago I had the privilege to speak with a friend that I hadn't spoken to in months.  In the course of our multiple hour conversation, we eventually got to just what was happening out here.  My experiences, my trails and tribulations, including that undeniable clock ticking in the back of my mind.  You know, that voice (which usually sounds eerily similar to that of your moms) that says "Girl, you're not 20 years old...you don't have a lot of time to figure it out, you've got to hurry up".  My friend proceeded to tell me about a sermon that addressed the issue of the role of the woman.  I just got a chance to watch this video and it was right on time.  God has without a doubt spoken to me through this video.  It confirmed my "God is stripping me" theory and has even given me the push I needed to continue to move forward.  I'm going to continue to allow him to do his work in me, try to be as obedient as possible, and look forward to the future me with an excited spirit.  I felt it was so valuable that I wanted to share it with you.  Yes, there is a kinda corny skit in the beginning but bear with it.  I do hope you can take something away from this. May not be what I took from it but I do believe there's something here for everyone.  Couldn't figure out how to include it here so here's the link: http://vimeo.com/7675479 

Watch Your Banks!

So I'm currently a Chase customer and just got off the phone with their customer service center.  As the financial market started to crumble and WaMu got absorbed by Chase, so did their millions of customers.  One of those customers was yours truly.  I didn't notice much of a difference other than the $2 bank fee imposed if you use a non-Chase ATM.  I easily worked around that, using cash back options and whenever I spotted a Chase ATM (while in NY) I used it.  Also, the rewards benefits are awesome.  Every time you choose 'credit' instead of 'debit' you earn points towards rewards...one being cold hard cash.  Honestly, its really come in handy these last few months.

That being said, today I took a look at my account online and spotted a miscellaneous $12 debit labeled 'SERVICE FEE'.  So, of course I called up customer service.  After politely explaining what the problem was, the agent politely responded by telling me that as of February 8th there was a change of terms associated with Chase checking accounts.  If you do not meet the following qualifications...

- a monthly direct deposit of $500 or more
- a $1,500 minimum daily balance
- an average daily balance of $5,000 or ore in linked deposits/investments
you will be charged a monthly service fee of $12 for keeping an account with them.

...you will incur a monthly fee of $12.  I, luckily, was able to get that fee waived but now have until May 10th to figure out where I take my money.  Apparently if you aren't earning enough, Chase doesn't want you or your "baby money".  If you're doing well, no need to pay fees but if things are getting a little tough for you, well, JP Morgan has decided to make things just a little tougher (and kick you while your down) by charging a $12 fee.  Kinda sounds like the rich getting their taxes cut while the poor and the (disappearing) middle class get their schools stripped, checks reduced and benefits lessened, doesn't it?  This is bigger than a $2 fee or even a $12 fee.  On a minimal level, watch your banks, call them on their policy changes and voice your opinion.  Instead of Facebook updates, get updates on your politicians and where they stand on these issues and exercise your voting rights.  Use the voice you have, as a customer and as a citizen.

As for me, well I have a month to figure out what I'm going to do.  Am I going to commit to a local Puerto Rican bank?  Am I going to go to another big bank?  or am I going to keep my "baby money" under my mattress?