2 Corinthians 4

So, if you read the (home)Sick blog you know that I declared that I was going to let the feelings I was battling pass through me....and move on.  I definitely tried to move forward but all the while I still felt like I was carrying this weight around with me.  That week, on Wednesday evening, just as I was finishing my Pilates DVD (thanks Salil), Mama turned to me and said "Are you going to church tonight?"  Mama apparently knows my schedule better than I do.  I looked at the time, 7pm.  Bible Study starts at 7:30pm.  A year ago, my answer to her would have been "Nah, I'll just go next week." If I even went at all.  That night, it was "Oh yes!  Thanks for reminding me!"  So I rushed into the shower, threw on my clothes, kissed Mama and hit the door.  Wednesday's class was significant to mention because it pushed me to go to their Good Friday service.

Wednesdays (in general) are also significant because its where I feel most lost...language wise.  Its odd but in church I mostly get it but when I'm in that Bible Study I just find myself sifting through the English portion of my bilingual Bible because there is such a disconnect for me.  I know the Bible can be difficult to read in English sometimes, but in Spanish, well it might as well be in Chinese!  My goodness, its really indescribable how I sit there with question marks all around my head.  I've learned to curb my feelings of frustration because I realize that feeling does nothing but lead to discouragement and insecurity...none of which I am in the market for.  So, I plow through, knowing that day by day the fog will rise just a bit more.

Before I knew it, Friday came and again I was faced with a decision.  Do I go? I was car-less at this point (I'll get to that in another post...long story) so in my mind I had resolved that I may not make it but it was ok because I was going for sure on Sunday.  Then, my aunt offered me her car and I jumped at the opportunity.  

Friday's service was absolutely amazing.  As of late, along with feelings of uncertainty regarding my future, I have also been wrestling with questions regarding my faith.  I found myself questioning the process of praise and prayer.  The Jesus factor, if you will.  In order to be a Christian you must accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior.  Which means you believe in your heart that he is the son of God and that God sent him as a sacrifice to pay for the sins of man.  That part I got.  But, I am a 'baby Christian' which means there are a lot of 'obvious' things that I just don't know yet.  I read the Bible daily and am still just in the Old Testament.  Anyone who is familiar with the Old Testament knows that in those books God really did not mince words nor did He play when it came to worshipping or praising anything but Him.  That being said, I had this nagging question that never really got an answer until Friday.  My question?  Well, if we are to be praising and worshipping God himself, why so much Jesus talk?  Later, it bothered me so much, I found myself posing those same questions to my boyfriend.  "Why is Jesus praised so hard?  I mean, sometimes it feels like he overshadows God.  From what I'm reading, nothing and no one should overshadow God.  I don't get it!"  He tried his best to find me an answer but the reality is the answer wasn't for him to answer it was between me and God.  What I find ironic is that these questions and issues rested on my heart right around Easter.  In no way was I aware of the correlation until AFTER I got my answers.  I do believe that for me to continue to grow as a Christian these tough questions needed to be answered and God knew just when to reveal both the restless questions and the calming answers.  So what were my answers right?!  2 Corinthians 4...

Answers regarding my 'Jesus issues':

4:4 - The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.

4:6 - For God, who said:"Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

4:10 - We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be revealed in our body.

Answers regarding my personal battles:

4:8-9 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

4:16 - Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

4:18 - So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I was mesmerized.  The words jumped off the page.  It was like a counseling session on everything I was wrestling with placed right before my eyes.  In my last post I mentioned how I know I'm being changed in small ways, small ways that are hard to put into words.  Those verses are the words.  Poetry coming out of, yet simultaneously, going right back into my soul!  

Before I knew it, the pastor was asking anyone who wanted to come up and rededicate themselves to the Lord to please come to the front.  At the time, I didn't fully grasp what he was saying or that rededication is what he was looking for.  All I heard was "If you need help.  If you need Him more than you needed him before.  He is looking for you today and come and receive your blessing.  He is here for you working in this building today.  Don't hesitate.  Show yourself, ask for help."  Next thing I knew my hand was up and my tears streamed down.  The pastor's wife came to pray with me.  She asked me something in my ear in Spanish and that's when I officially broke down.  "I don't understand you!"  I sobbed in Spanish.  She responded in English "It's ok.  I can speak English."  She proceeded to ask me a few more questions about how I came to be in Puerto Rico and what I am currently doing.  So I let it out and in the end, my breath came back.  Man did it feel good to take a deep breath again!  Then she said "Let's pray."  Her prayer made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.  God was using her to let me know I'm headed in the direction, to cheer me on, and to encourage me to keep going.  

Soon after, I was being whisked into a back room.  That's where I met Marlene.  Marlene has essentially been assigned to me.  Checking on me, finding out who I am and what I do and seeing how the church can help me while I am here in Puerto Rico.  I had been praying for help.  I had realized that no man, no parent, no aunt, no grandparent could help because what I needed was bigger than anything any one person could offer.  So, I've stayed in prayer, trying to pay attention to His signals... as I search for clarity on this walk, strength through this journey, and guidance on this adventure.  Friday, God revealed just a little bit more about who He is and how He provides.  The answers will never be laid out for your whole life, but when you ask for help, it comes.  You just have to do your part.

(home)Sick

It came.  It is definitely here.  That feeling that I assumed was never going to arrive, has arrived.  Today it hit me like a ton of bricks.  As I pumped $20 into my baby gas tank wondering how high the needle would actually go on the gas gauge, I realized I was short of breath.  As I turned on my ignition, and saw it raise to just a hair over half a tank, I tried to breathe a sigh of relief.  Once again, I couldn't take a deep breath.  Then, as I headed for Walgreens I adjusted my seat so that my posture could improve...for some reason I felt a world of weight on my shoulders.  Then, just before I pulled into the parking lot, a lump formed in my throat.  While the tears rolled down my cheeks, I realized...I'm homesick.

So, I let myself cry.  I wiped my tears and proceeded to treat myself to a French Vanilla Cappuccino (now, as I take my last sip, I realize I should have gotten a bigger one).  What's going on?!  I've been here for damn near 5 months.  Homesick?! Now?!  Yep, and I'm guessing here's why...I'm more than halfway through my timetabled 'journey'.  My grammar is horrendous, my Spanish is nowhere where I want it to be,  my Mama and I have our routines set as she has officially gotten use to me being around, my 'teaching job' still hasn't given me a start date, and so all roads point to this just being the beginning...the elementary school if you will...of this adventure.  I don't know that I'm ready for that.  Puerto Rico...indefinitely?!  I miss my New York family, I miss restaurant options, I miss linking up with old friends at the drop of a dime!  So, while I am going to visit in June, on days like today, it feels like a lifetime away.

Also, the questions are starting to come like "So, are you staying? Are you still going to be out there in August?  What are you doing out there?"  I feel like I should have answers, and I just don't.  Most days I'm okay with that because I know that I am being worked on in so many small ways...small ways that I see are shaping up to be big ways.  But, when a 30th birthday is looming on the other side of the year, your bank account is beginning to look like your weekly lunch allowance money, you can't schedule a decent conversation in with your boyfriend, your nephew and niece stop writing, and you don't have a place to call your own (after years of independence)...well, it will at some point, take a toll on you.  So, today is my day.  Today I cry, today I allow myself to be sad and miss the New York life I once knew.  Tomorrow, I keep adding pieces to my puzzle, knowing that by June I'll at least have a few more answers than I do right now.

Misha's Empanadillas

Prepared to cook!

All this shadow cooking with Mama has started inspiring me to serve up my own tasty creations!  Also, since I'm still waiting on my start date as an English teacher out here, I've had some time to really experiment!  Here's the deal...empanadillas are dough disks usually stuffed with meat or seafood and then baked or fried.  Because I am in tropical Puerto Rico, frying is the typical route because its doesn't make the house hot, its fast, and its super tasty!  So, for now, I'm sticking to fried goodies.

Hairnet and dough!

As I've mentioned before, finding a vegetable around here is like finding a bagel in LA....pretty impossible (especially when it comes to fast food like empanadillas).  So, I took to Mama's fridge and cabinets and started creating.  What did I come up with? Black beans & beets, as well as a brown rice (made by Mama), black beans and steamed veggies empanadillas.   I loved them but thought that the black beans needed to be a bit softer and would be extra tasty with some sort of avocado dipping sauce. The next day I made a turkey bacon and fat free cheddar cheese one and decided to take them to my aunt's house for a taste test.

(Pre-fry pic) I used beet juice as an identifier

So, with a nervous stomach, I served my samples to Titi Annie, Tio Edwin (Mr. Miagi) and his wife Carmen.  When I arrived, I didn't tell them what was inside the empanadillas, I simply asked them to please try them and give me their honest opinion.  The result?  They LOVED them!  I told them about my black bean dilemma but Titi and Tio Edwin didn't agree.  They thought the beans tasted just fine.  I also told them about my idea for the dipping sauce and Titi agreed that it could serve as a nice complement to the empanadilla.

Front: Black bean and beet/Back: Brown Rice

I now have plans for a few different tofu options and eventually a dessert empanadilla.  I am so excited about this new cooking adventure!  I called my mom up the other day and ran all my ideas by her.  She sounds equally excited and extremely encouraging.  Anyone who knows my mom knows that she is like a Puerto Rican Martha Stewart (although she's really nice and warm) so the fact that I have started experimenting in the kitchen really gets her giddy.

Aaaaah!

We'll see where this road takes me...one thing is for sure, with my Mama, mom and Titi involved, we can all look forward to some amazing recipes!!! ;)

Watch Your Banks!

So I'm currently a Chase customer and just got off the phone with their customer service center.  As the financial market started to crumble and WaMu got absorbed by Chase, so did their millions of customers.  One of those customers was yours truly.  I didn't notice much of a difference other than the $2 bank fee imposed if you use a non-Chase ATM.  I easily worked around that, using cash back options and whenever I spotted a Chase ATM (while in NY) I used it.  Also, the rewards benefits are awesome.  Every time you choose 'credit' instead of 'debit' you earn points towards rewards...one being cold hard cash.  Honestly, its really come in handy these last few months.

That being said, today I took a look at my account online and spotted a miscellaneous $12 debit labeled 'SERVICE FEE'.  So, of course I called up customer service.  After politely explaining what the problem was, the agent politely responded by telling me that as of February 8th there was a change of terms associated with Chase checking accounts.  If you do not meet the following qualifications...

- a monthly direct deposit of $500 or more
- a $1,500 minimum daily balance
- an average daily balance of $5,000 or ore in linked deposits/investments
you will be charged a monthly service fee of $12 for keeping an account with them.

...you will incur a monthly fee of $12.  I, luckily, was able to get that fee waived but now have until May 10th to figure out where I take my money.  Apparently if you aren't earning enough, Chase doesn't want you or your "baby money".  If you're doing well, no need to pay fees but if things are getting a little tough for you, well, JP Morgan has decided to make things just a little tougher (and kick you while your down) by charging a $12 fee.  Kinda sounds like the rich getting their taxes cut while the poor and the (disappearing) middle class get their schools stripped, checks reduced and benefits lessened, doesn't it?  This is bigger than a $2 fee or even a $12 fee.  On a minimal level, watch your banks, call them on their policy changes and voice your opinion.  Instead of Facebook updates, get updates on your politicians and where they stand on these issues and exercise your voting rights.  Use the voice you have, as a customer and as a citizen.

As for me, well I have a month to figure out what I'm going to do.  Am I going to commit to a local Puerto Rican bank?  Am I going to go to another big bank?  or am I going to keep my "baby money" under my mattress?

Pasteles de Pollo!

Pasteles - (according to Wikipedia) are a traditional dish in several Latin American countries. In Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic, Trinidad and Tobago, the Caribbean coast of Colombia, and Panama, it is similar to a tamale.


Traditionally, pasteles are made with pork, but since Mama knows I don't eat pork, she promised to teach me how to make them with pollo (chicken).  A promise made is a promise kept with Mama, so...enjoy the recipe!


Mama's very first rule in making pasteles...hairnets!  Yes, hairnets because she said the last thing you want is for someone to find one of your hairs smack in the middle of their mouth...not cute.

Stylin'!

Double stylin'!

Chicken cubes!

Mama had already pre-cut the chicken without me so no pics of that, but they just have to be cubes of chicken.  She uses chicken breasts and chicken thighs (she uses the drumsticks for Max LOL).  


Alright now that we have our hairnets on...let's get started!  Place all of the chicken cubes in an iron pot (the same pot we use for rice and for frying).  Then you throw in sofrito, a packet of cubito en polvo de pollo by Goya, manteca con achiote (I'll explain that next), a packet of Sazon, about half a can of tomato sauce, olives, and about half a cup of water.  All of this while the pot is on medium/high heat.  Please note that some folks put raisins and/or pieces of potatoes in their pasteles.  Mama doesn't so you won't get that in this recipe but like any great recipe, you can take the foundation and then improvise to make it your own.

Pollo with sofrito and Sazon

Goya packet

What it should look like

Ok let me explain this manteca con achiote.  Manteca is lard.  Achiote is used to add color to the food.  You combine the two in a pot and place on medium heat for about 10 minutes.  Strain the mixture and put some to the side in a small bowl for use later.  Use about a spoonful for the chicken mix and later, you will use about a spoonful to add to the masa of the pastele. 

Manteca

Achiote

Combine, heat and strain!

Once you have added all the ingredients and sauteed them a bit, you lower the heat and cover it so that the meat can come out nice and soft.  The meat should cook for about 30 minutes.  In the meantime you prepare your masa.  Now, Mama also prepared this when I wasn't around and had it in the fridge.  She says all she did was put guineos (green bananas) through the food processor.   She says she used about 10.   Just before the chicken was about ready, Mama put about a spoonful or two of the manteca con achiote in the masa mix for added flavor and coloring.  Please note: guineos are NOT plantains.  They are the small green bananas NOT the big green bananas. 

Masa

Next thing I knew Mama was mumbling something about ojas it took me a few minutes but then I realized that ojas are leaves.  She grabbed her machete and headed to the backyard to cut a few ojas de platano...this is what we wrap the pasteles in.  After grabbing the ojas, Mama turned on her stove and proceeded to heat the leaves (see video).  This gets them softer and prepares them to be folded while holding the masa and chicken in place.  (If your not on a caribbean island like I am, don't worry you can often find these leaves sold in the freezer section of your local urban supermarket!)

Mama and her machete

Mama scoping out ojas

After the ojas have been heated, you have to cut them and wipe them down.  Mama says not everyone wipes their leaves but she likes to, to be sure they don't have any residual bugs or anything like that on them.

Cutting the ojas

Wipe those leaves!

After that, be sure to protect your table with newspapers or old towels/tablecloths since you're working with achiote which stains.  Also, its time to find your pasteles paper.  When you don't have many leaves to fully wrap the pasteles, you can use this paper.

Ready to make pasteles!

Pasteles paper

Now, let's watch Mama teach us how to actually construct a pastele...note that the small bowl of orange stuff she's using on the leaf is the manteca con achiote.  In this video she also explains that most times folks just use the leaves to make the pasteles but she prefers to also use paper because she feels it protects the pasteles when they cook.

Now that the pasteles are complete and folded, its time to tie them.  I have to tell you guys, I reenacted every step of this process today and folding that paper is by far the hardest part for me!!

Once pasteles have been constructed, folded and tied, its time to boil them!  But, you only boil them if you want to eat them right then and there.  If not, you can freeze them and when you're ready to eat, you boil.  Instructions for boiling are as follows:  fill a pot up with salt water and let it come to a boil, then insert pasteles.  If the pastele is fresh, let boil for a half hour...if frozen, it should boil for about 45 minutes.  Once it's ready, cut the string, unwrap and enjoy!

Remove from water

Unwrap

Mmmm mmmm good!

So as Mama and I sat, enjoying the fruits of our labor, I asked her "How did you learn how to cook?"  She said, "Well, I had three sons I had to provide for."  I was a bit confused and figured I didn't ask the question correctly in Spanish.  So, I reworded it, "No, Mama did you help your mother cook in the house?"  She responded "Oh, of course!  Remember I was the oldest of the girls.  I don't know why she waited until I was 14 to teach me anything, but she did."  Then, remembering that she left the house at 18 years old for New York, I asked "What about when you went to live with your aunt, were you in charge of cooking for them?"  She said "No, I was busy working...it wasn't until I became a wife and had children that I really had to cook.  Once the father of your father left, I had to start cooking for other people.  Sometimes I was feeding up to ten people....it was me and my boys, which was four, and three couples I would cook for."  I wasn't really following at this point, I thought she meant she was cooking for these people because for whatever reason she was looking out for them, so I asked "Wait, why were you cooking for all those people?" She just stared at me and said "For money!  I had three kids I had to care for.  I would come home from work and then start cooking because..."  "...because they were couples that would pay you to cook for them?!"  "Yes.  I would plan out all my meals for the week to make it easier on myself.  Then, during baseball season I would make bacalaitos and sell them in the park on weekends."  This woman never seizes to amaze me. "Mama, you would take the kids with you to sell food?" She stares at me again "Of course!  Where was I going to leave them?  We would go to Crotona Park and I would sell bacalaitos.  I had to pay the bills.  I'm telling you, you have no idea..."

Delish!

She's a mother, a wife, a hustler, a chef...a survivor.  She is teaching me so much about life, about struggle, about experiences and about the blood that runs through my veins.  I thank God that both she and I were able to finally come together for these very moments. 

Pescado Escabeche

Ok I heart escabeche...pretty much anything that you can make escabeche (pickled)...guineos (green bananas), guineo con molleja (green bananas with chicken gizzards), pulpo (octopus), and pescado (fish)...I love!  So, one day, during one of our many trips to Sam's we spotted corvines en ruedas (corvine fish rounds).  I told Mama how much I love that fish escabeche and immediately, she picked them up and said, "I'm going to teach you how to make this."  I was elated!  As you know, my joy is not only mine alone...it is now yours...enjoy!

The fish!

                    Ingredients:                       
Corvine Fish Rounds                  Adobo
Minced Garlic                          
Corn Oil (for frying)
Olive Oil (1/2 cup)
Vinegar (1/2 cup)
Onions
Olives
Bay Leaves



First step is to make sure that the fish pieces aren't too wet.  Mama covers them top to bottom with hand towels while she gets the rest of her ingredients together.

Covered fish!

Once the fish is less moist (that's what she said...LOL), you sprinkle some Adobo on the pieces and then spread a hearty amount of minced garlic on the fish...enough to coat it.   Mama likes using her (clean) hands to really get the garlic in there!

Minced Garlic

Mama gets her hands dirty!

Adobo

Have your skillet heated with oil, ready for frying and one by one put those babies in.  Be careful not to over fry them...the fish should still be soft and not overcooked.  I made that mistake only because I really enjoy crunchy fish.  The gambler came over to eat and made sure to tell me that while it was a great meal, I did overcook the fish LOL.  Mama didn't appreciate her commentary and told her I did it on purpose (with a semi threatening tone).  I told the gambler I appreciated her suggestion and would definitely try to cook the fish less next time.  Then I gave Mama a 'chill out' look and she walked away and got lost in her word search book within minutes.

Fry time!

Getting them crunchy LOL

While the fish is frying you can start to prepare your escabeche portion of this dish.   First step, cut up a few onions (depending on how much you like onions depends on how many you use).  I think I used about 1 and a half onions.

Onion rings!

Then you add a half cup of olive oil and a half cup of vinegar to the onions.

After that, you throw in the olives and a few fresh bay leaves.

Remember to keep an eye on that fish frying!  As for the escabeche, you should try to use a bowl that you can put a flame to because....well you now put it on the stove on low heat and let the flavors simmer together.  Every now and then you sauté the mixture until you feel the onions get softer.

Stirring, stirring!

Once the fish have all been fried and the escabeche has become one in the bowl, you combine the two!  Add whatever starch or veggie or both you'd like and you have a full meal!  Mama says to get the optimum flavor, you let the fish sit in the escabeche for quite awhile before you serve it...sometimes even overnight.  I, of course, couldn't wait and it was still delicious!  Enjoy folks!

I told you I like the fish crispy LOL!