(home)Sick

It came.  It is definitely here.  That feeling that I assumed was never going to arrive, has arrived.  Today it hit me like a ton of bricks.  As I pumped $20 into my baby gas tank wondering how high the needle would actually go on the gas gauge, I realized I was short of breath.  As I turned on my ignition, and saw it raise to just a hair over half a tank, I tried to breathe a sigh of relief.  Once again, I couldn't take a deep breath.  Then, as I headed for Walgreens I adjusted my seat so that my posture could improve...for some reason I felt a world of weight on my shoulders.  Then, just before I pulled into the parking lot, a lump formed in my throat.  While the tears rolled down my cheeks, I realized...I'm homesick.

So, I let myself cry.  I wiped my tears and proceeded to treat myself to a French Vanilla Cappuccino (now, as I take my last sip, I realize I should have gotten a bigger one).  What's going on?!  I've been here for damn near 5 months.  Homesick?! Now?!  Yep, and I'm guessing here's why...I'm more than halfway through my timetabled 'journey'.  My grammar is horrendous, my Spanish is nowhere where I want it to be,  my Mama and I have our routines set as she has officially gotten use to me being around, my 'teaching job' still hasn't given me a start date, and so all roads point to this just being the beginning...the elementary school if you will...of this adventure.  I don't know that I'm ready for that.  Puerto Rico...indefinitely?!  I miss my New York family, I miss restaurant options, I miss linking up with old friends at the drop of a dime!  So, while I am going to visit in June, on days like today, it feels like a lifetime away.

Also, the questions are starting to come like "So, are you staying? Are you still going to be out there in August?  What are you doing out there?"  I feel like I should have answers, and I just don't.  Most days I'm okay with that because I know that I am being worked on in so many small ways...small ways that I see are shaping up to be big ways.  But, when a 30th birthday is looming on the other side of the year, your bank account is beginning to look like your weekly lunch allowance money, you can't schedule a decent conversation in with your boyfriend, your nephew and niece stop writing, and you don't have a place to call your own (after years of independence)...well, it will at some point, take a toll on you.  So, today is my day.  Today I cry, today I allow myself to be sad and miss the New York life I once knew.  Tomorrow, I keep adding pieces to my puzzle, knowing that by June I'll at least have a few more answers than I do right now.