2 Corinthians 4

So, if you read the (home)Sick blog you know that I declared that I was going to let the feelings I was battling pass through me....and move on.  I definitely tried to move forward but all the while I still felt like I was carrying this weight around with me.  That week, on Wednesday evening, just as I was finishing my Pilates DVD (thanks Salil), Mama turned to me and said "Are you going to church tonight?"  Mama apparently knows my schedule better than I do.  I looked at the time, 7pm.  Bible Study starts at 7:30pm.  A year ago, my answer to her would have been "Nah, I'll just go next week." If I even went at all.  That night, it was "Oh yes!  Thanks for reminding me!"  So I rushed into the shower, threw on my clothes, kissed Mama and hit the door.  Wednesday's class was significant to mention because it pushed me to go to their Good Friday service.

Wednesdays (in general) are also significant because its where I feel most lost...language wise.  Its odd but in church I mostly get it but when I'm in that Bible Study I just find myself sifting through the English portion of my bilingual Bible because there is such a disconnect for me.  I know the Bible can be difficult to read in English sometimes, but in Spanish, well it might as well be in Chinese!  My goodness, its really indescribable how I sit there with question marks all around my head.  I've learned to curb my feelings of frustration because I realize that feeling does nothing but lead to discouragement and insecurity...none of which I am in the market for.  So, I plow through, knowing that day by day the fog will rise just a bit more.

Before I knew it, Friday came and again I was faced with a decision.  Do I go? I was car-less at this point (I'll get to that in another post...long story) so in my mind I had resolved that I may not make it but it was ok because I was going for sure on Sunday.  Then, my aunt offered me her car and I jumped at the opportunity.  

Friday's service was absolutely amazing.  As of late, along with feelings of uncertainty regarding my future, I have also been wrestling with questions regarding my faith.  I found myself questioning the process of praise and prayer.  The Jesus factor, if you will.  In order to be a Christian you must accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior.  Which means you believe in your heart that he is the son of God and that God sent him as a sacrifice to pay for the sins of man.  That part I got.  But, I am a 'baby Christian' which means there are a lot of 'obvious' things that I just don't know yet.  I read the Bible daily and am still just in the Old Testament.  Anyone who is familiar with the Old Testament knows that in those books God really did not mince words nor did He play when it came to worshipping or praising anything but Him.  That being said, I had this nagging question that never really got an answer until Friday.  My question?  Well, if we are to be praising and worshipping God himself, why so much Jesus talk?  Later, it bothered me so much, I found myself posing those same questions to my boyfriend.  "Why is Jesus praised so hard?  I mean, sometimes it feels like he overshadows God.  From what I'm reading, nothing and no one should overshadow God.  I don't get it!"  He tried his best to find me an answer but the reality is the answer wasn't for him to answer it was between me and God.  What I find ironic is that these questions and issues rested on my heart right around Easter.  In no way was I aware of the correlation until AFTER I got my answers.  I do believe that for me to continue to grow as a Christian these tough questions needed to be answered and God knew just when to reveal both the restless questions and the calming answers.  So what were my answers right?!  2 Corinthians 4...

Answers regarding my 'Jesus issues':

4:4 - The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.

4:6 - For God, who said:"Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

4:10 - We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be revealed in our body.

Answers regarding my personal battles:

4:8-9 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

4:16 - Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

4:18 - So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I was mesmerized.  The words jumped off the page.  It was like a counseling session on everything I was wrestling with placed right before my eyes.  In my last post I mentioned how I know I'm being changed in small ways, small ways that are hard to put into words.  Those verses are the words.  Poetry coming out of, yet simultaneously, going right back into my soul!  

Before I knew it, the pastor was asking anyone who wanted to come up and rededicate themselves to the Lord to please come to the front.  At the time, I didn't fully grasp what he was saying or that rededication is what he was looking for.  All I heard was "If you need help.  If you need Him more than you needed him before.  He is looking for you today and come and receive your blessing.  He is here for you working in this building today.  Don't hesitate.  Show yourself, ask for help."  Next thing I knew my hand was up and my tears streamed down.  The pastor's wife came to pray with me.  She asked me something in my ear in Spanish and that's when I officially broke down.  "I don't understand you!"  I sobbed in Spanish.  She responded in English "It's ok.  I can speak English."  She proceeded to ask me a few more questions about how I came to be in Puerto Rico and what I am currently doing.  So I let it out and in the end, my breath came back.  Man did it feel good to take a deep breath again!  Then she said "Let's pray."  Her prayer made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.  God was using her to let me know I'm headed in the direction, to cheer me on, and to encourage me to keep going.  

Soon after, I was being whisked into a back room.  That's where I met Marlene.  Marlene has essentially been assigned to me.  Checking on me, finding out who I am and what I do and seeing how the church can help me while I am here in Puerto Rico.  I had been praying for help.  I had realized that no man, no parent, no aunt, no grandparent could help because what I needed was bigger than anything any one person could offer.  So, I've stayed in prayer, trying to pay attention to His signals... as I search for clarity on this walk, strength through this journey, and guidance on this adventure.  Friday, God revealed just a little bit more about who He is and how He provides.  The answers will never be laid out for your whole life, but when you ask for help, it comes.  You just have to do your part.