Max gets banned from the beach!

Ok so like I said yesterday, Mama and I decided to head to the whale watching festival on Saturday in Rincón.  Normally, we take Max along but this time when I asked Mama if she wanted to take him she quickly said, "No, he's had enough of an adventure today." (See: Demon Dog post).  In reality, though, we both knew the REAL reason why Max wasn't heading out with us....

Max chilling on his couch

About a week ago Mama and I headed to our local beach for our weekly beach day.  As usual, we took Max along with us.  Overall, things were status quo...Max was trying to eat the sand, constantly digging for who knows what, crying a bit but then chilling, Mama was doing her word search and I was laying out reading and taking sun.  Finally, Max had enough sitting around and was ready for a change of scenery, so I decided to take him for our usual mini walk.  I knew he was just dying to get on the grass and pee on every tree he could find.  Damn dogs and their territory peeing...so anyway, next thing I know, Max is squatting down fully ready to take a poop.  Although my preference was for Max NOT to poop, I knew it would be fine since I came prepared with a plastic bag.  I mean really, we aren't even supposed to have Max on this beach and I am a former dog hater so I know that if I saw a dog squatting down to take a poop at my local beach, I would want to see the owner cleaning it up ASAP!

Max loves his travel bag

Everything would have been fine had he actually pooped like he was supposed to...but he squatted and nothing fell...he squatted again and nothing fell yet again...then he started walking in a squat....it was the craziest thing!  It was like he was still trying to poop but at the same time walking around, trying to find the perfect patch of grass to do it in.  Finally he gave up and started walking normally....and that's when I saw it.  There, in the midst of all his butt hair was a shadow...the poop had come out, it just hadn't fallen yet.  So there he was, little Max, walking with a turd hanging halfway out his behind!  I quickly walked him back to Mama (she is his real owner after all).  I figured I'd consult with her on what to do next, and to be honest, was secretly hoping she would just take care of it.  For a quick second I thought, I am NOT dealing with dog poop, this is her dog.  No way.


I sat down next to Mama and said (in broken Spanish) "I think Max pooped but its still in his butt...like still in the hair and stuff."  Mama hardly looked up from her crossword puzzle and just said "Oh."  I looked at her and realized, this is so going to be on me.  I'm going to have to deal with Max's ass today.  Because while this is your grandma's dog, she is still your grandma and you are here to help.  Get ready Mish because you and Max are about to get to know each other a little better.  My heart sank.  As if she were reading my mind, she put her book down and said "What's going on?" I reiterated that he had a turd hanging from his behind.  She said "We have napkins, here."  She passes me one and then I remember I also threw a bag of baby wipes in my bag before we left for the beach.  "Pass me the bag of wipes Mama."  She passes them, I grab Max, pray that this turns out to be a quick and clean process, and proceed to dig in.

Quick and clean it was not.  I was hoping it would be like removing a peanut M&M from a tangle of hair...instead it was like removing melted chocolate from a rug --- I know.  Ugly.  Sooooooo ugly!  While I tried my hardest not to curse or get angry...all I could say was "We have to go home Mama...like now."  She just stared at this craziness...Max was crying, I was feverishly trying to use every baby wipe I had, and nothing was working.  We also, thankfully, had some wee wee pads with us...so we wrapped his behind in the wee wee pads, put him back in his travel bag and packed up as quickly as we could.  As we drove home, (with the windows all the way down) all poor Max heard from both Mama and I was "Never again are you coming to the beach."  "No more beach for you Max." "Aye, poor Max, its not your fault."  Mama was also peeved because he had just gone to the groomer a few days before and she specifically requested that the groomer cut Max's booty hair.  "I told him to cut it because this is what happens!"  Mama then put her face to the window...I'm sure she needed to try to get a breathe of fresh air...dog poop in a small, hot car is just...ugh...how do I put it...well, its just down right offensive.

Once we got home, Max went straight into the tub.  He was scrubbed down several times with doggie shampoo followed by a nice smelling conditioner.  Finally, once he was dry and calm again, Mama took a scissor to his booty as to make sure we were never traumatized like that again...and that is how Max got banned from the beach.

Mama, Misha, Max....and the DEMON DOG!

Yesterday Mama and I headed to one of our favorite beach areas (Rincon) to enjoy the festivities surrounding whale watching season here.  It was absolutely awesome.  A gorgeous day filled with street vendors, sun, sand and waves!  While Mama's dog Max is usually with us on our beach adventures, we unanimously opted to give him a rest.  Mama broke the news to him by saying "Max, you are not going because you already had a very busy day.  You've been out enough so you're going to stay here and we'll see you later."  No, she really said that...except it was in Spanish and in a really high pitched, motherly tone.  Total comedy.

The reason Mama felt he was out enough was because not only did he have his usual morning walk with Mama, but he also had an afternoon adventure with the both of us.  That morning, like every morning before that, she walked around our new neighborhood baseball field (which she refers to as a track but its really just a tar walking area around a baseball field) two times.  Mama says that whenever she asks Max if he wants to go around again, he says "no" by pulling her towards the exit.  So, yesterday, a few hours after they returned from their morning walk, I asked her if she wanted to accompany me on another walk to the local pharmacy to get some back pain medication.  See, the day before I kinda pulled something in my back while cleaning Mama's fridge (that baby is now sparkling though so it might just be worth it).  She agreed to walk with me and when I suggested taking Max, no lie, he started jumping up and down running from her feet to mine and back!  (No, really, Mama might be right, Max might really be smart!)  So she took him.

The walk to the pharmacy was quite nice.  Initially I was a little worried that little brave Max might run into stray dog trouble on our mini excursion (since Puerto Rico has a huge stray dog issue), but Mama was super confident that everything would be fine.  Everything was fine... until we were literally 10 feet from the pharmacy parking lot.

10 feet from the pharmacy parking lot was a house...with an open driveway.  In that open driveway was a medium sized white dog with brown spots.  This dog was mean and annoying.  As soon as we entered her line of sight she was up and headed straight for us.  Mama scooped Max up in her arms and held his big mouth closed.  She then said "Walk.  She's not going to do anything, just keep walking."  I half believed her and just kept walking as I heard the barking continue to follow us.  I couldn't help but look back...only to find that we were being stalked and chased in slow motion by this dog who was looking meaner by the second.  I told Mama "She's still following us."  Mama kept calm and said "Don't show fear.  She'll stop soon, just keep walking."  I followed her instructions but kept looking back...

If this dog is going to attack I need to be prepared to protect my grandma and Max!  How am I going to do that?!  Do I kick it?!  Do I throw something?!  Why oh why do I have to be wearing shorts today?!  My legs probably look like dinner to this damn dog!  


By the time we took five steps into the pharmacy parking lot, the dog froze.  She didn't dare walk any further into the parking lot, but did take the time to send a few more precautionary barks our way...as if to say "I'll be waiting for you on the way back and its not going to be so pretty next time!"  As soon as I told Mama that the dog stopped following us she responded with confidence "I told you, she's not going to do anything."

Mama must have half believed that because as soon as we were done in the pharmacy, I suggested we try to find an alternative route to getting home.  The objective was to avoid that one house.  If we could avoid walking in front of that ONE house we would be home free.  So, we took a random staircase, walked across an abandoned parking lot, discovered an elderly housing apartment complex, scoped out some potential bachelors for Mama (although she kindly let me know that her preference lies in handsome men in their 50's and 60's), and ultimately found ourselves facing a dead end.  Mama and I both knew we were going to have to face the demon dog again and neither one of us was looking forward to it.  I am a chicken s*it...especially when it comes to animals.  My grandma is not, but she is 87 years old.  While Max is also brave, and stands up to every dog like he's a pit bull, the reality is he weighs just under 5 lbs. soaking wet.  Needless to say, all three of us were operating slightly handicapped.  So, I came to the conclusion that it was up to me to find my bravery so I that I could protect my grandma and her dog.  I continued to mentally pep talk myself as I realized...


I need to find a weapon.  Rocks? I dunno, is that overdoing it?  Will that just encourage the dog to attack?  What about the owners?  I mean really.  Lock that damn dog up!!  She doesn't look like a stray yet she's terrorizing the neighborhood with her presence.  I need a stick!  Everyone in Puerto Rico walks with a stick!  Wait, don't dogs fetch sticks?  Back home, my dog Chico jumps for anything you have in your hand, especially if he thinks you're going to throw it!  Oh my goodness, what if I grab a stick and then the dog catches it in his mouth?!  Suck it up Michelle!  You need to protect and know that you will be ok.  Hitting the dog is worse case scenario.  Be brave and show no fear!


As we approached the demon dog's block, Mama and I silently agreed that we should cross the street....except there was no real sidewalk!  It was an unpaved road complete with grass and rocks and random garbage that can be found on any stretch of road next to a busy highway (oh yeah, the non paved street we chose to walk on is also right next to a busy highway).  I think its safe to say that as we walked as far as we could out of this dog's view, I was imploring Mama to "please be careful" as I held her hand (and she carried Max).  Then, I heard barking.  I told Mama.  She responded "That dog is not barking at us, its barking at the cars driving by, she doesn't even know we're here.  We're fine."  Sure enough, as we exited the mini highway jungle we just trudged through...our trusty old demon dog was crossing the street to come meet us!!  We walked maybe ten paces before I saw anything that even resembled a stick.  The first thing I grabbed ended up being a flimsy piece of palm tree.  I threw it down in a hurry and grabbed another stick...this time a real one.  All the while Mama was still yelling at this dog to "GO HOME!" I picked up the stick and motioned to hit her.  She backed down but continued to bark.  We continued to walk...as Mama assured me, "We're fine, she's not coming for us anymore."  I looked back and saw that Mama was right, the dog had stopped barking and stopped following us (she resorted to angrily sniffing around in the dirt).  Mama, suddenly confident (as if she had not just damn near scaled a highway to avoid this dog) said "Dogs that bark don't bite...its the silent ones that you have to watch out for." I continued to look over my shoulder until we got around the block.  Then, my spaghetti bones became dense again as I clung to my new walking stick.  I hope to never have to use it, but at least I have it.  Let's just hope the next demon dog we encounter doesn't have a fetish for playing fetch!

Up next: the REAL reason Max didn't make it to Rincon with us!