Glory, glory!

There are times when it seems nothing is going right.  When it seems the world is coming down all around you and even when you know better, you don't necessarily do better.  My last post, regarding my grandmother, was one of those times.  I did know better. I wanted to do better.  I just didn't know HOW to change my attitude.  Here is this woman that I have deemed ungrateful and cold.  I decided I no longer belonged there with her.  I had to move on.  The moving on part stands true, but for sake of time and space, I'll save that for another post at another time.

Mama celebrates 89!

Before I could move on I knew I had to "fix" my heart...and I knew it was no one's job but my own.  Many times, its easy to blame outside sources for what has happened to you, how you feel, or where you are or aren't in life.  But, we must remember we are in charge.  Everyday.  We make a choice.  Yes, there are things you can't escape like children, grandmas, and other such responsibilities but even in those things we really do make a choice.  Plenty of people have turned their backs on these types of responsibilities that many of us consider inescapable.  So, by simply being there we have made that choice.  But, if you're going to be there ---  well, be there...and bring something meaningful to the table.  In my case, I am still working towards building the foundation of my life.  Who I am, where I stand, what I do, etc. are all still being formulated.  But now, Mama has become a major part of that process.  So, how do I honor her while still staying true to my own camino (walk/journey)?

Step 1 - I apologized for my attitude.  I sat there, tail between my legs and I apologized.  I explained that I am conscious of how angry and difficult I have been and I explained why.  Using me.  Not her.  While I easily have an opinion on how she contributed to my less than appealing attitude, she has to come to her own conclusions about her behavior.  That's HER choice and her cross to bear.  Not mine. Having the ability to be true to who you are and being the best you possible is not an easy feat.  But, to allow anyone or thing to come in and tear that down in a blink of an eye says there's serious work left to be done.  For me, this is the definition of maturity -- the ability to face adversity without crumbling, digressing, or making rash, emotion filled decisions.  Be the change you want to see...

Step 2 - I prayed (and continue to pray daily).

Step 3 - I spoke to my father.  That conversation was one of the realest conversations we've had in awhile.

Step 4 - I got moving.  I found a housekeeper/grandma sitter.  Praise God she is truly an angel.  I "randomly" got her name and number from city hall and only after her interview did we find out she was the sister of our old handyman/neighbor whom Mama really loves.  Serendipitous, really.

Step 5 - I am getting back to being the loving, sweet and kind granddaughter I was when I first got here.  Looking forward to adventures with Mama and really making an effort to spend time with her.  Being present, patient and forgiving when I am with her (even if it means watching corny novelas and super annoying Puerto Rican gossip shows).  So many times, we just get use to those around us.  Then we wonder why we feel like we're in such a rut.  You hear it all the time when it comes to marriages, but it really can be applied to any relationship. It is a work.  A constant reinvestment into who they are and what they mean to you --- especially when things get so gray you're unsure about those answers.  That reinvestment clarifies the place they had in your heart, before life started piling into that once pure space.

Step 6 - I am allowing myself time for me.  Yoga, prayer and meditation, Newsroom watching time, time with other family members, working without guilt, coffee or drink dates with myself (and others), reconnecting with the outside world.  Finding that balance between responsibilities and relaxation.  When that is out of balance, so is your life.

This blog serves as an account of my story.  My characters consisting of Mama, my parents, Max, sister-cousins, etc.  But you too have your own story.  Your own challenges.  Your own characters.  To you, on your journey I say - be encouraged.  There may still be more question marks than periods, but I'm learning that that's life.  That's the beauty of life.  The journey is in the questions.  In yoga, its called "the flow".  Well, I encourage you to remember you too are living the flow.  The challenging, strengthening, frightening, yet magnificent flow.

What. A. Day.

Today Puerto Rico celebrated its day of "discovery".  It is an official local holiday and most offices and all schools are closed.  I, after having spent the weekend continuing to reunite with my newfound family members, was looking forward to this day "off".

It started just how I wanted it to...early rise, followed by daily readings, followed by a trip to the local track for a long overdue jog in the crisp morning air.  Check, check, check.  Next, I was heading home to jump into my pilates/yoga regimen.  Then, I would start on the laundry list of to-dos I had assembled the night before.  But, just as I was starting my car and heading home, my phone rang. It was Mama's neighbor.  They were in the hospital.  They'd been there since about 5am.  Mama was experiencing such a severe pain in her arm she could not get herself out of bed.

From then on out it was hours upon hours in the extremely cold hospital emergency room.  Thankfully, she was in a bed by the time I got there, and a stroke/heart attack had been ruled out...but the pain had hardly subsided.  It wasn't until almost 5pm - yes, 12 hours later - that they realized she had dislocated her shoulder.  For 12 hours she suffered through injections, tubes of blood being sucked out of her, apathetic technicians who borderline manhandled her, and numerous, personality varying nurses.

Her neighbor/bff was there the whole way through.  And, while she certainly can't seem to stay still, and has an apparent issue with more than a few minutes of silence, she is an excellent follow upper.  She is precise.  If they say they're coming to check her pressure in two hours, well she's checking her phone every half hour to make sure they come when they said they would.  When they don't come, because they never do, she is making her rounds looking for the nurse.  I am thankful for her and have even begun to admire her.

Dislocated right shoulder

Once Mama was finally diagnosed, we were told they were going to sedate her for a short time so that they may put her bone back where it belonged.  Then they'd take another X-ray to make sure nothing else was awry.  How does an 88 year old woman dislocate her shoulder?  Well, the answer to this particular question, when it comes to Mama, we will never specifically know.  But, my hard headed, warrior woman, grandma still rearranges furniture.  She still mops her house, still insists on gardening, and as if that weren't enough, she does stuff like gets dizzy or falls and tells you about it days later after she's picked herself up and kept it moving.  Because of this, a few months ago, I got her the Life Alert bracelet.  Sadly, she didn't actually use it last night.  Lucky for us, her neighbor/bff heard unusual commotion against the wall their bedrooms share.  She called out to Mama through the window to check if she was ok.  That, was when she discovered she wasn't.

Today was emotionally draining.  I continued to battle feelings of inferiority, of naivety,  and of pure freight.  When the doctor told us Mama would have to be in a sling for the next two weeks, I honestly freaked out inside...because my first thought was...I'm going to have to bathe her.  How selfish right?  Why is that even a thought? Well, it was...that and every other foul, funny,  and disturbing thing that may pass through ones mind when they realize bathing an 88 year old is in their very near future.  I honestly had a moment.  How can I get out of this? Who else can do it? I thought.  No one but you was the immediate answer.

By the time we got home, Mama had had a mini bathroom accident in my car and was still a little dazed from the drugs she was given at the hospital.  My feet were sore from standing for so many hours and we were all exhausted.  I knew shower time was coming and I knew that meant showtime for me.

I am pleased to report I put my big girl hat on and I just went to work.  It was fairly easy once I put myself in Mama's shoes.  Here is a very proud and independent woman who now has to depend on another for just about everything for the next few weeks.  She is tired, she is embarrassed, she is feeling her mortality and she is counting on a neighbor and a granddaughter that, two short years ago, she had a distant relationship with...at best.  She deserves my utmost respect, my upbeat demeanor to lighten the mood, and my compassion.  So, I got a washcloth, I made the water comfortably warm, and I began to treat her like she was at a spa.  She deserved it after all she went through today.  As I continued to bathe her, I thought about the numerous toddlers I've bathed in my life.  This wasn't much different.  While many of my friends are dealing with terrible two's, accidents, bath time adventures, and first time boo boos....I kinda am too.  It's like I'm in bizarro Mommy Bootcamp.  The circle of life I guess.  I'm doing my best to embrace it.  Fighting feelings of "What the hell am I doing here?" because the truth of the matter is I know ...

Challenge accepted.  What a day...of "discovery".