Clearing the Air

It has been over a month since I unofficially moved back in with Mama.  Within these last few weeks, the unofficial move became official when I sat down and had the "Mama I'm moving back in" talk with her.  Then I began packing up...once again.

Plaza Colón in Mayagüez, Puerto Rico

Pretty quickly, the holidays approached and I realized why, this same time last year, I moved out.  Christmas here is depressing.  "What?" you say, "Christmas in Puerto Rico?  Depressing?  No way!"  Well, my response is no, Christmas in Puerto Rico is not depressing.  Christmas in Mama's house is.  She has no Christmas spirit and even less now that she's in a sling.  There is no eagerness to visit family and she in no way considers this a special time of year.  It is no wonder that right around this time last year I decided to pack up and move out.  But, it seems God has other plans for me.  So, almost exactly a year later, I'm back.  Apparently, I have unfinished business here and one way or the other, I am going to have to deal with it.

 

Mama's brother's house was a rockin' good time!

Ahh!  Stay on beat Mish!

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I am ashamed to say, were probably two of the most tense days in this house.  Christmas Eve Mama said she wasn't going anywhere [we had been invited to her brother AND her sister's house].  I got upset and down.  I went into my room and Skyped with my little brother and my dad until pretty late.  Then, I pushed myself to get dressed and only made it to Mama's brother's house.  While I felt welcomed and did my best to make the most of my evening, I was still bummed.

Christmas Day wasn't much better.  She hardly even looked at the gift I put under the tree.  She was quiet.  I was quiet.  I even bathed her in silence.  The tension you could cut with a knife and all I kept thinking was "Michelle, you're supposed to be better than this.  You have to make it right."  That evening I had a long conversation with an old friend.  I expressed my frustration regarding this situation to him and he simply asked me "Have you expressed any of these feelings to her?" I quickly responded "No." To which, of course, he asked "Why not?"  My response was "I don't want to make my grandma cry." He laughed and said "Why would you make her cry?" My response was simple, "Because I think I want to make her cry.  To prove she has feelings.  Which tells me I don't need to talk to her yet." He left it alone and we continued on talking about family and other stuff.  But, that part of the conversation stuck with me.  I knew I needed to come to a space where I was able to express myself, able to have hard conversations, without necessarily hurting [or wanting to] hurt the other person.  While I had done well with this in the past, I have also had my share of miserable failures.  I didn't want the latter to happen with Mama.

It wasn't until the morning of December 26th that I sat down with Mama and I cleared the air.  I had just returned from an early morning run.  After preparing her breakfast and cleaning up the dishes, I sat in front of her in the living room...and I started. "Mama...necesito que decir lo siento y que pide perdon..." [Mama...I have to say I'm sorry and ask for forgiveness...]

I went on to explain that I know that my behavior over the last few days was less than stellar.  I told her that I was angry but perhaps not for the reasons she thought.  I went on to tell her that my parents raised me with an emphasis on the importance of family.  I told her I work to maintain contact with everyone because for me, these people are important.  So, I explained, it hurts me when her attitude towards family is so nonchalant.  I get that people are different, I even get that we are not always going to agree.  What I am still working on being ok with is the way it seems she could really care less about anybody in her family.  In fact, she seems to only really care about the neighbor's kid [the one she pretty much raised, put before everyone, and still refers to as her son].  I went on to explain how deeply that situation has hurt me throughout my life. How no matter how hard I try I can't wrap my head around it.  I also let her know, I was done trying to wrap my head around it.  The past is the past and whether I understand it or not, it just is.  I concluded that while that hurt, I am still here.  I am here and I am willing to work.  My focus is on peace.  The only way I can love her the way I'm supposed to is if I find my peace within this situation.  This conversation was an enormous step in that direction.  I finally spoke about the elephant in the room.  Actually, my elephant.  By talking about it, without hostility but with honesty, I was able to free myself.  She heard me.  What she does with what she heard is up to her.  I have no expectations.  My mission was accomplished.

I'm proud of myself because I found a way to say really difficult things in a sincere way [oh and all in Spanish!].  As soon as the conversation was over it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  Mama didn't say much, she just listened.  I found it interesting that I wasn't looking for nor needed her feedback.  What could she really say?  Nothing I said was untrue and in no way do I want her to lie to me.  I know she loves that kid...now that man [and his daughter and his wife].  I know that she can't help how she feels about him and that she made certain decisions in her life that cultivated that relationship yet destroyed others.  I also know that I can either accept her for who she is or spend my entire life wishing she were someone else and finding myself miserable.  You can't choose your family, but you can choose how you deal with them.  She may not be a warm and cuddly grandma, but she certainly is one who is teaching and growing me daily.  For that, I am thankful.

Feliz Navidad.