Glory, glory!

There are times when it seems nothing is going right.  When it seems the world is coming down all around you and even when you know better, you don't necessarily do better.  My last post, regarding my grandmother, was one of those times.  I did know better. I wanted to do better.  I just didn't know HOW to change my attitude.  Here is this woman that I have deemed ungrateful and cold.  I decided I no longer belonged there with her.  I had to move on.  The moving on part stands true, but for sake of time and space, I'll save that for another post at another time.

Mama celebrates 89!

Before I could move on I knew I had to "fix" my heart...and I knew it was no one's job but my own.  Many times, its easy to blame outside sources for what has happened to you, how you feel, or where you are or aren't in life.  But, we must remember we are in charge.  Everyday.  We make a choice.  Yes, there are things you can't escape like children, grandmas, and other such responsibilities but even in those things we really do make a choice.  Plenty of people have turned their backs on these types of responsibilities that many of us consider inescapable.  So, by simply being there we have made that choice.  But, if you're going to be there ---  well, be there...and bring something meaningful to the table.  In my case, I am still working towards building the foundation of my life.  Who I am, where I stand, what I do, etc. are all still being formulated.  But now, Mama has become a major part of that process.  So, how do I honor her while still staying true to my own camino (walk/journey)?

Step 1 - I apologized for my attitude.  I sat there, tail between my legs and I apologized.  I explained that I am conscious of how angry and difficult I have been and I explained why.  Using me.  Not her.  While I easily have an opinion on how she contributed to my less than appealing attitude, she has to come to her own conclusions about her behavior.  That's HER choice and her cross to bear.  Not mine. Having the ability to be true to who you are and being the best you possible is not an easy feat.  But, to allow anyone or thing to come in and tear that down in a blink of an eye says there's serious work left to be done.  For me, this is the definition of maturity -- the ability to face adversity without crumbling, digressing, or making rash, emotion filled decisions.  Be the change you want to see...

Step 2 - I prayed (and continue to pray daily).

Step 3 - I spoke to my father.  That conversation was one of the realest conversations we've had in awhile.

Step 4 - I got moving.  I found a housekeeper/grandma sitter.  Praise God she is truly an angel.  I "randomly" got her name and number from city hall and only after her interview did we find out she was the sister of our old handyman/neighbor whom Mama really loves.  Serendipitous, really.

Step 5 - I am getting back to being the loving, sweet and kind granddaughter I was when I first got here.  Looking forward to adventures with Mama and really making an effort to spend time with her.  Being present, patient and forgiving when I am with her (even if it means watching corny novelas and super annoying Puerto Rican gossip shows).  So many times, we just get use to those around us.  Then we wonder why we feel like we're in such a rut.  You hear it all the time when it comes to marriages, but it really can be applied to any relationship. It is a work.  A constant reinvestment into who they are and what they mean to you --- especially when things get so gray you're unsure about those answers.  That reinvestment clarifies the place they had in your heart, before life started piling into that once pure space.

Step 6 - I am allowing myself time for me.  Yoga, prayer and meditation, Newsroom watching time, time with other family members, working without guilt, coffee or drink dates with myself (and others), reconnecting with the outside world.  Finding that balance between responsibilities and relaxation.  When that is out of balance, so is your life.

This blog serves as an account of my story.  My characters consisting of Mama, my parents, Max, sister-cousins, etc.  But you too have your own story.  Your own challenges.  Your own characters.  To you, on your journey I say - be encouraged.  There may still be more question marks than periods, but I'm learning that that's life.  That's the beauty of life.  The journey is in the questions.  In yoga, its called "the flow".  Well, I encourage you to remember you too are living the flow.  The challenging, strengthening, frightening, yet magnificent flow.