New York - Day 2

Family Ties

The Christmas party was a hit!  The last guests left at 1am and considering I had been up since 3:30am, I was exhausted!  At 10am I dragged myself out of bed and headed to church.  I was looking forward to seeing my old church folks, hearing that amazing choir and listening to an awesome sermon from Pastor Bobby.  So, even through the snow, I headed out.

By the time I got to church it was apparent that the snow was preparing to come down in full force.  And while I did miss the music, I did not miss the word.  As I walked out of service, feeling renewed, I prepared myself for the weather waiting for me.  A fellow worshipper was doing the same as I said “Man, its really coming down out there.”  She just looked at me and said “Yes but I’m not complaining.  Snow lets you know God is real!” 

Snow is coming doooown!

I rolled back home and knew that since my dad was working it was going to be up to lil bro and myself to get some shoveling done.  Unfortunately, I donated and/or packed away most of my heavy duty winter apparel so I ended up wearing size 12 Timbs thanks to lil bro and some fancy leather gloves thanks to my momma.  While it was fun being out there for a little while, I was definitely happy once I was back inside, warm and ready to eat.  Today, I was finally going to see my nephew and nieces for Christmas!  The most heart-warming moments were when little Sophia opened her gift to reveal an old stuffed doggie of mine that she’s adored since she first laid eyes on it.  Phia was so excited!   She paraded around the whole house with it and refused to let it out of her sight.  Then, Jaden opened his gift and exclaimed “Diary of a Wimpy Kid Journal?!  Ohhh I really wanted this!”  Renee was the only stalemate as my Christmas bag and tissue paper did not meet her gift opening requirements that day.  Wrapping papered gifts ruled.  One day though, she’ll see that I passed down a beautiful jewelry box for her to store all her silly bands (or whatever the next million dollar fad is) as well as a stuffed teddy made of our favorite colors (orange = mine and yellow = hers).

Day 2 in New York City felt better than Day 1 as I was able to cuddle with my nephew while watching 60 Minutes and reading bilingual children’s books that I didn’t remember/know we had!  Jaden wanted to spend the night but he was a bit under the weather and it was looking like SNOW-- tons and tons of SNOW was coming our way.  So I promised him I’d stay over the next evening.  His eyes lit up and he left looking forward to tomorrow.  I must admit I was too.  This would be the first time in the 5 years I’ve lived there that I would have a slumber party with the kids upstairs!  And so, the changes continue…

Puerto Rico/New York - Day 12/Day 1

¡Feliz Navidad!  My Christmas started with “Get up girl, you’re late!” as Titi Annie threw open my bedroom door.  I jumped up with one eye open and immediately reached for my phone.  My Blackberry read 3:40am.  I thought I set my alarm for 3am when I laid down at 2:30am.  I guess that was my first problem…probably should have just stayed up but it was becoming impossible.  My flight was at 5:30am, which meant they start boarding at 5:15am.  The airport is about 45 minutes from my aunt’s house and I needed to return my rental car as well as check my bag.  So, we estimated that I should be at around 4:15am, which meant I should technically be on my way to the airport by 3:15am so that I can give myself time to stop for gas, traffic, etc.  Again, my phone read 3:40am!  But luckily I was fully packed, my clothes were ready and I had showered just before I laid down.  All I needed to do was brush my teeth, slick my hair back and slip into my clothes.  I was on a very dark Puerto Rican back road headed for Interstate 100 by 3:50am.  Then, I played the line between booking it and playing it easy.  There was no way I wanted to gamble getting pulled over on my way to the airport but there was also no way I was going to do the speed limit.  I knew I had a few key factors that still made it possible for me to make that 5:15 possible:

1.     You treat red lights like stop signs in Puerto Rico after a certain time…I think its 1am.

2.     There’s usually not much traffic at 4am

3.      No weather issues

4.      I had enough gas to get me to the airport and if worse came to worse I would take the hit for not having the car refueled if it meant getting to NY

5.      That 5am flight isn’t always on time

6.      I had checked in online so all I needed to do was drop my bag

7.      Returning the car simply meant dropping a key off

So initially it looked a little sketchy but by 4:30am I knew I’d be there at the very worst by 5am.  So, I took a gamble and stopped at a very well lit gas station close to the airport.  I put $20 in the tank and prayed that was enough as that was all I had left in cash.  It was and before I knew it I was on my way.  Then, raindrops started hitting my windshield and a cop car jumped in front of mine…going 5 mph (ok I’m exaggerating maybe 10mph)!  I just calmed down, took the stroll in the rain and reminded myself I’d be just fine. 

Sure enough, by 5:15 I was waiting to board the plane and observing a 3 year old with a huge black and purple knot on his head, a teenager for a mom who obviously had no control over him, and a (from what I can detect) a grandfather who has about a splinter more control over this unruly child.  It’s now raining steadily so we have to walk briskly into the plane as to avoid getting wet.  I walk to my seat and see the teen mom and clearly hear the screams of the three year old and what do ya know…I’m sitting right behind them!  Before we could take off I snuck off into the back row.  There must have been about 5 children on that flight…all different ages, very whiney and full of screams/cries/complaints.  So, I laid myself across the 3 seats, threw my iPod on tried to get as much rest as I could.  Before I knew it our less than festive flight attendant was mumbling that we should prepare for landing and informing us as to where we can retrieve our luggage.  I got my first “Merry Christmas” as I exited the plane and prepared myself for cold temperatures but fun times with my family.  

It had only been about 10 days but it honestly felt like a month since I’d been in New York City.  Christmas at home was different.  There was a family party that night at my parent’s home so even though I walked into the house at around 10am, the house was already buzzing with activity.  It seemed to be busy, serious activity though.  Not light or festive activity.  It just didn’t feel like Christmas.   I felt like it was partly my fault.  See, I had come up with the idea to have people over that night and now it seemed to be blowing up in my face.  It felt like I put a burden on my parents and I kinda ruined Christmas. 

Originally, I envisioned getting off the plane and my mom and little brother picking me up and heading to my big brothers house to open gifts with the kids.  Then, I figured we’d spend a few hours there and head back to the house and get ready for the party that evening.  But, my dad ended up getting the day off so he picked me up and at the point my mom was in clean/party hosting mode so she had no intentions of going anywhere.   So, I opted for vision number two which was us having Christmas breakfast, opening gifts together and jamming to our favorite Motown Christmas CD like we have for the last 10+ Christmas mornings.  Instead of mom cooking though, I did.  I scrambled some egg whites up and threw together some toast.  My mom then jumped in and made some coffee and then lil bro set the table.  My dad reluctantly sat down with us while I made sure our favorite CD was in full swing.  We were gonna have Christmas damnit!  Breakfast went well, but as soon as it was done it was like back to the hustle and bustle.  I’m sure I was just being extra sensitive but I just didn’t know what to do with myself.  I just wanted to relax with my family and it seemed that was the last thing that was going to happen.  I’m sure I was tired and jet lagged, but I just felt like everything was changing so much and I no longer felt at home.  What is going on? I wondered.  I decided to sit outside before unnecessarily picking an argument with any one of them in the house.  Our dog Chico followed me out and almost as if he knew I needed company, he dutifully stayed hovered around me as I sat on the steps and let the tears stream from my face.   What’s going on Michelle? I don’t know, but I don’t like the feeling I’m getting.  It’s Christmas!!  We’re supposed to be warm and fuzzy and Hallmarkish at all times and that is not what I’m feeling!!!!  Then my phone rang.  It was my dad. 

Pa: “Hey where are you little girl?”

Me: “Outside with Chico, what’s up.”

Pa: “Oh well come on in, we’re opening presents.”

Me:  “Ok.”

I slipped into the basement bathroom and did my best to cover up any signs of the breakdown I had just had.  I doubt I did a good job but at least everyone acted like they didn’t see a thing…at least not until I opened one of two sentimental gifts (an eyes bracelet and charm chain) from my mom.  I cracked as soon as I read that what the eyes bracelet meant.  The eyes are supposed to signify a watchful and protective eye.  To me, it was yet another vote of encouragement from her to continue on my endeavors but a reminder that she was still there should I need her.   Then there was the ‘daughter, mother, friend’ chain.  She wanted me to know that I was more than her daughter now, I was also her friend.  The tears continued to fall as my mom took a seat next to me and my dad asked “what’s going on little girl?”  See, we’re not like an extra mushy, talk-about-our-feelings-all-the-time-kinda-folk so I think they were a little thrown off.  All I could get out was “Everything is changing…” My mom said “Is that good or bad?”  I said “Good.”

Come on folks, squeeze into the kitchen!

Cousins and my momma!

I heart these Berrocal women!

But to be honest, I’m not too sure.  I’m praying all of this change in our family is a good thing, but we’re venturing into unchartered territories, just trying to navigate this as best we could.  Robert is headed to the Air Force, I'm headed to Puerto Rico and my parents are beginning a new chapter in their marriage (I like to call it Post Kids rather than Empty Nest).  I believe if we stick together though, we’ll be just fine.  We just need to stick together and together doesn’t always mean physically being with each other, its about keeping the communication lines open…its about leaning on each other for support…its about Paciencia y Fe…

Sticking together...

Puerto Rico - Day 11

Open it Mama!

Look at this girl...

Noche Buena (Christmas Eve) started with me taking a nice jog around the local baseball field while catching up on New York family matters with my mom.  It was a warm 80 something degrees as I walked a few blocks up to the panaderia (bakery) for “dos libres de pan” which I thought meant “two loaves of bread”, but then he came out with four loaves of bread…two breads per bag.  That’s when I realized “un libre” equals one bag of bread but I was too embarrassed to give the extra bag back.  Then, I remembered that like most “divorced” kids, I’m splitting my holiday.  So, I’ll have a bag of bread for my early evening celebration with Mama and use the other bag for my late evening celebration with Titi Annie, Tio Edwin and Carmen.  I decided since I wasn’t sure how long it was going to take for me to get to Titi’s house that night, I’d just drop it off right away.  That way, they can enjoy the bread even if I wasn’t there yet.  When I pulled up Tio Monchin and his wife Rosa were there.  Tio Monchin is my mother’s uncle (on her mother’s side).  He is the oldest of the four siblings and is so cute and little.  He seemed to be pleasantly surprised to hear that I was going to be in Puerto Rico for an extended amount of time and that I was investing in the language.  I couldn’t understand a lot of what he was saying but I do know he was explaining to me how he had to learn English and had a great teacher.  He also said that he realized he had to start thinking in English in order for him to truly pick up the language.  I know exactly what he means because slowly but surely I’m starting to think in Spanish…its just not very easy.  I’m essentially trying to reverse 29 years of thinking in English!

About 2 hours later...

Mama was trying to play it cool...

Anywho, after dropping off the bread I decided to wrap the gifts I bought for Mama and Max in my car trunk in front of Titi’s house.  Mama had been looking for a TV stand and finally found one she liked.  We didn’t purchase it when we found it because she was waiting for it to go on sale.  What she didn’t know was that I went back to Kmart the very next day and purchased it for her (on sale) and had been hiding it/avoiding taking her back to Kmart ever since.  I felt bad because I know she thought I forgot all about the promise I made to take her back to the store, but I figured the look on her face when it came wrapped to her front door would be well worth it.  Oh and it was! “Sin berguenza” (shameless/nuisance/pain in the ass) is all she could say as she tore the paper off.  All I could do was laugh and say “De nada” (you're welcome).  Max loved his Santa dog.  He began slobbering all over it as soon as he saw it.

Dinner #1

Max and his Santa dog

I gave Mama her gift early because I knew I was heading out early the next morning.  Also, Mama decided to host Christmas Eve dinner at her house for two of her neighbors who are also alone for the holidays.  So, I knew she’d love to show off her new TV stand to her guests.  It was a beautiful event.  Mama made pavo guisado (stewed turkey) and arroz con gandules (yellow rice and pigeon peas).  I made a fresh salad, cut the bread, and sliced up some avocado.   The only unfortunate thing is that the crazy neighbor with the gambling problem, of course, went to the casino earlier that day and had lunch while there.  She refused to admit it but simply picked at the food presented to her.  The other neighbor ate a bit more, but still like a bird.  Of course I over ate in an effort to make a dent in the massive amount of food she cooked…and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Las tres amigas

Since we made dinner, her next-door neighbor made dessert.  It was a little cornstarch/coconut/cold dessert called Tembleque.  Then, it was time to pack up yet again and head for Titi Annie’s house.  I was so stuffed though that I laid on the bed for a minute...until I felt my bed moving!  I thought I was imagining things at first but then I felt it again...my bed was moving back and forth!  I had no idea what to do, so I sat perfectly still and just let it pass.  I opted to not say anything to Mama so I wouldn’t alarm her.  Once the very odd bed movements passed, I proceeded to pack for my flight and chat with Mama while watching a few Christmas programs.  To be honest, I really didn’t want to leave and I don’t think she wanted me to leave either.  But, I promised Titi I would be there for dinner as well so I eventually made my way over.

Dinner #2

By the time I got there everyone was ready to eat and Titi was a little ticked off.  Apparently they had been waiting for me to eat and she had been trying to call me, but was unsuccessful.  A few minutes after I arrived we all found out why.  That weird bed movement was really a tremor from an earthquake!  Titi couldn’t get through because all the phone lines had malfunctioned.  Apparently it was a 5.4 magnitude that mostly affected the middle eastern portion of the island but I felt it all the way on the west coast in my grandmother’s bedroom.  Crazy!

So Noche Buena ended with a second dinner, which consisted of mostly salad, chicken and coquito followed by a little black coffee and some super delicious cake provided by Titi’s boyfriend Louis.  I fell out at around 2:30am only to be woken up in a hurry an hour later…I needed to high tail it to the airport…I’m heading home for the holidays…

Puerto Rico - Day 10

Mr. Miyagi (Tio Edwin) & Titi

¡Cumpleaños Feliz Titi Annie!  Today was Titi Annie’s Birthday (Dec. 23^rd but I’m late with the postings LOL)!  I knew I wanted to do something nice for her because not only was it the first time I’d actually be in Puerto Rico for her special day, but also because she like many other late December babies, gets caught in the hustle and bustle of the holidays and is often forgotten about.  So, I decided to do something relaxing for her, something most women really enjoy (except for Mama Maria of course).  I decided to treat her to a one-hour massage…on the beach.  The on the beach part quickly changed to an awesome serene indoor location because the winds were causing high tide which meant a lot of wind, water and noise from the ocean.  It also meant a lot of random surfer dudes wandering…so luckily I switched it before we even got there.

Relaxed 

The morning started bright and early.  I left a card on my door for her so that as soon as she came to wake me she would find it.  I wasn’t sure how sentimental she might become after reading the card so I figured I’d give her the option to read it alone…just before waking me.  I think it was a great decision as she nudged me ever so gently in the morning and immediately said “Thank you for the card, it was really beautiful.“  That was the beginning of an awesome day! 

After a quick coffee, we hit the road and headed out to Rincon, which is a beach town 45 minutes away from where Titi lives.  Unfortunately we ran into some traffic so we were about 15 minutes late.  Then, we got a bit lost and my TIti was quickly losing her patience with the masseuse.  I quickly reminded her that today was her birthday so she wasn’t allowed to get up in arms about anything.  “Chill out Titi and smile!” is what I said before we exited the car.  She dutifully practiced her smile in the rearview mirror and we were off to meet the woman.  I dropped my Titi off into her capable arms as a mother does her child to kindergarten and I headed off to the beach for some much-needed alone time. 

Peace 

The beach was gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous.  It was high tide so the waves were crashing continuously and with fervor.   The temperature was just right…low 80’s (if that) and the few families around me were pretty tranquil.  Its times like these that I truly enjoy sitting alone.  Taking in that scenery took me back to Table Mountain (in South Africa), and once again I praised and thanked God for all that he has created.  I looked around and realized that even with man’s destruction and disrespect of the land, His beauty and His power shines through.  I looked up and saw a bird flying and found myself in awe of the fact that this animal, this living thing has been given the capacity to literally suspend itself in mid air.  I was captivated, yes by a bird.   I’ve taken this animal for granted so many times, but in this moment I saw so much.  I saw grace, freedom and strength.  That hour alone on the beach served as a cleansing of my spirit.  So while Titi was massaged, in a way, so was I. 

Cheers!

By the time I returned, Titi was finishing up.  She walked out with a grin from ear to ear looking like the weight of the world had just been lifted from her shoulders.  Of course we couldn’t leave Rincon without stopping to have something to eat!  So, we headed to Tamboo Tavern, our favorite little ocean side bar/restaurant to cheers to her birthday over a delicious piña colada.

La Familia en El Bohio restaurante

The rest of the day consisted of more food, this time with Tio Edwin and his wife Carmen.  All in all Titi seemed to have a really great birthday and I was happy to be a part of it.  ¡Feliz Cumpleaños Titi Annie!

Puerto Rico - Day 9

Ok here it goes…last night I slept over my aunt’s house so that I could get up early this morning and hopefully accomplish some car shopping as well as perhaps some Christmas shopping.  The car shopping was a bust because we didn’t hear back from anyone that we had reached out to.  The Christmas shopping, on the other hand, was handled in an expeditious manner.  I knew just what I was looking for…a TV stand for my Mama.  She found what she wanted the day before and (she thought) we were going to head back to Kmart today and purchase it.  We decided to wait because we heard through the Puerto Rican Shopaholic Grapevine that it would probably be on sale today.  So, it was a tough task, but I avoided calling her until well into the afternoon today and totally avoided bringing it up.  To top it all off, I didn’t head to her house until 7pm so that she wouldn’t ask to go to Kmart.  7pm is magical because it’s our designated “Aurora” time.  

Lorenzo (the father), Martin (the son), Aurora (their obsession)

“Aurora” is the name of a telenovela that Mama’s into and has now gotten me hooked on.  So, every day, no matter where I am, I try to be tuned into this novela.  Most times I try to be with her so that when crazy things happen like the two men who are fighting for Aurora’s love (which happen to be father and son) become closer and closer to finding out the truth, we can look at each other and squeal in anticipation together!  Oh, you ask what is this ‘truth’ I’m referring to?  Well, check this out…Aurora died twenty years ago.  Her father is a scientist and froze her body.  20 years later he brought her back to life.  Of course, she’s gorgeous and looks like she’s in her 20’s so her former lover’s son has fallen for her.  It gets deeper than that but I’ll stop there.

So anywhoo, I felt really bad avoiding Mama, but it’s a necessary evil.  I just have to be illusive for like one more day and then all will be revealed!  Of course though, that did NOT stop her from bringing up Kmart.  She mentioned she was thinking of asking her neighbor to take her (which I’m really hoping she doesn’t end up doing tomorrow) in which I promptly apologized and said “Let’s try to do it between tomorrow and Friday…” knowing I have no intention of making that happen.

Now that my aunt has returned I feel a bit like a kid dealing with divorced parents!  I was with Mama until about nine o’clock last night (that’s around the time she hits the bed) and then headed to Titi’s house to sleep over.  I spent today with Titi but made a point to return to Mama this evening to watch our shows together and get some more clothes.  Well, let me tell you…she told me Max was looking for me all day, then she mentions Kmart, then I discover that she did my laundry, she replaced light bulbs on her ceiling fan (because I was looking for light the other night to do my nails…I told her I didn’t need the ceiling fan light but nooooo she waits till I leave to do that craziness…need I remind you she’s 86?!), and got a turkey so that she can prepare it tomorrow so that we can bring it to her neighbor’s Christmas Eve party (because I don’t eat pork or beef).  Uh, can we say guilt trip?!  I know this all comes from a place of love, but damn it, it also screams to me that she missed me today while I was running around with my aunt!

Now, tomorrow is my Titi Annie’s birthday.  So, I invited Mama to join us for dinner tomorrow night but of course, she declined.  Let’s make it crystal clear as to why I feel like a child in the middle of two divorced parents…Titi Annie is my mother’s sister.  Mama is my father’s mother.  Everytime I come home saying how delicious something my aunt made was, Mama either tells me she can make it too or she actually makes it for me the next time I’m there.  Also, I know she doesn’t want to go to my aunt’s house for Noche Buena (Christmas Eve) so I gave her an easy out.  I told her that I know she really doesn’t want to go so I’ll be with her all day and into the early evening celebrating in her neighborhood and then head over to my aunt’s later.  She agreed faster than I could say “ok?’.  So I’m even splitting holdays now!  The crazy thing is they don’t argue and they get along perfectly fine…it just seems Mama wants to do things with me and me only…seems she’s not much of a group person at all.  Three seems to be a crowd for her.

I guess it’s a good problem to have, but I must admit I can see that sooner rather than later I will begin to feel torn.  I can’t ignore my Titi for the sake of my Mama but I also can’t be with Titi so much that Mama feels ignored.  I feel like “Aurora”, a woman caught between two people who deeply love her…but like you know in a family platonic not weird soap opera love kinda way.  We shall see how this whole novela mia (soap opera of mine) plays out.

I also got a little anxious today on the money front as I realized I waited a little too long to transfer money from my savings account to my checking account.  Now, this is one of those online account deals and I’m transferring between two different banks so now my money won’t clear until 12/27!  I know things will be fine as I am not totally broke yet but its still not a position I enjoy being in.  I’m trying to avoid putting anything on my credit card while I’m out here, but that doesn’t look like it’s happening…at least not until I get some income coming in.  I think its pretty obvious what my new focus will be once I return in January (after I finally secure a car of course).  What I don’t want to do though is become a 9 to 5er out here…at least not yet.  The time I’m spending with these folks is invaluable and to trade that in so I can sit at a desk for a check, then come home and eat dinner alone (remember Mama eats at like 4) only to wake up and do it all over the next day…well, it just doesn’t seem to fit yet.  But, I know all will play out as it’s supposed to.  I just need to deal with one thing at a time and move wisely.

Good night good peoples…

Puerto Rico - Day 8

Today technically started last night…let me explain.  Of course I was fighting with my computer again (what a surprise right). I was determined not to have to sit on the porch for service.  I wanted to watch TV and sit on a comfortable couch rather than a wicker porch chair.  I wanted to chill while getting work done damn it!  Initially, it started out great!  I found a website that had used cars for sale in Puerto Rico and found three awesome cars in the immediate area!  Then, it was time to upload my blog and that blasted video.  So, of course, the tether connection slowed down just in time for that video to try to upload.  Next thing I know its 3am, I’ve fallen asleep on the couch with the TV on and with my video still not uploaded.  That was it, time to throw in the towel.  I locked up the house and went off to bed…totally forgetting that the lunar eclipse (which only happens once a year) began at 2:30am.   Had I realized it, I’d probably be staying up again tonight fighting with more video of that dang eclipse!
Apparently Mama and the crazy neighbor made up…or rather, the crazy neighbor isn’t mad at her anymore.  By the time I woke up this morning, Mama had sent her to the store to get a loaf of bread for us.  I jokingly told Mama “I sure hope you didn’t give her $20 to go get that bread.”  She sucked her teeth at me and went back to her crossword puzzle as I set off to fight with my computer again.  Finally, I cut the clip down to 20 seconds and it uploaded after what felt like 20 minutes.   Now, it was time to head to the track for some much needed exercise!  I ended up jabbering away on the phone with my cousin during my workout, which was actually cool because it helped me keep my pace!  I think I even caught a baby suntan (yes 8 days in Puerto Rico and not one trip to a beach or pool but 10 trips to the mall…unbelievable).

Dinner's ready!

That being said, guess where Mama and I went as soon as I got home and showered??  Yep, Kmart!  I need a computer desk and she wants a new TV stand for her living room.   Things are so comfortable between us now and I couldn’t be happier.  See, to understand why this bond is so amazing, you need to understand our history.

My grandmother and I have never been close.  In fact, Papa (my step grandfather) was always closer and warmer towards me than I can ever remember her being.  He would send the Christmas and Birthday cards.  He would call me nena linda (pretty girl), he would say “How’s my favorite granddaughter…look at you.  You love Papa?”  She was just always in the background, never really paying me much mind.  Growing up, there was always a little boy who was my same age that lived next door to them.  This little boy, by the time he was a teenager, pretty much lived with them and Mama raised him like her son.  To this day I’m not sure why or what the deal with that was as his parents seemed perfectly fit to raise him, but he was ALWAYS there.  Always.  Cared for like the prodigal son.  As far back as I could remember I disliked this kid so much!  Now I know its because I was jealous.  As I got older I would ask my parents, “Why is Mama so cold towards me?  Why doesn’t she treat me like she treats him!?”  My mom explained that my grandmother (her mother-in-law) raised three boys and more than likely, dealing with boys was comfortable and easier for her.  She explained that perhaps she just doesn’t know how to relate to girls but assured me that she loved me.   This conversation helped me to wrap my head around the situation but whenever I saw her or interacted with her I was always uneasy.  I didn’t think she cared much for me nor did I think we would ever ever ever have any sort of real relationship.  She didn’t know who I was and I didn’t know who she was and I do believe it would have remained that way, but then, a few things happened…

Papa

One, Papa passed away.  He was no longer there to serve as the bridge between her and I.  God, he was so amazing.  So welcoming.  At the drop of a dime he would tell you how much he loved you, how much he appreciated you and then top it off with a tidbit about his life or a great joke.  The jokes were mostly great because of his unmistakable laugh.  He wouldn’t breath nor would he make a sound for a full minute but his mouth was wide open and his eyes were closed…then he’d let out two hilariously loud gasps.

Two, back when I first started college I told myself I needed to learn Spanish because I wanted to be able to speak to my grandmothers…specifically Mama Celina (mom’s mom)…before it was too late.  I knew that I wouldn’t always have these jewels of knowledge around me and I needed to work on the language.  In reality, at that time it wasn’t only about what I could learn from them…I was looking to prove myself to them.  Prove to them and myself that I WAS Puerto Rican.  That I’m not just a kid that that they kiss and smile at and then call gringa.  I wanted them to be proud of me.  I thought, if I could just speak Spanish they would want to have me around.  They would want to talk to me.  They would shout to the world, here is my granddaughter and she speaks Spanish so well!  That was my dream.

Mama Celina

Three, my Mama Celina (on my moms side) passed away.  It’s crazy but even though Mama Celina spoke way less English than Mama Maria, I always felt closer to her.  She possessed the same warmth Papa did but better.  She looked so much like my mom that it was easy to laugh with her and cuddle her and even learn how to make mofongo with her.

Four, I saw my dream dim.  I lost two out of my three grandparents that I had grown up with.   Thankfully, I had worked on the language enough to speak to Mama Celina in Spanish before she passed.  One day, we were talking, just her and I and it’s a conversation I hope I never forget.  I was telling her how important it is for me to be able to raise my children speaking Spanish and how much I want to get better at it.  She looked at me and with the most encouraging and serious eyes she said  “You speak well and yes you need to continue practicing but look, until now we’ve never been able to talk to each other.  I am so happy to finally be able to talk to you.”  Ugh, how I wish she were still here…she would be so happy.

Mama Maria

Finally, I decided that the relationship that Mama Maria and I had just wasn’t enough.  I could not allow it.  I had already lost my two favorite folks, she was all I had left and there must be a reason.  So, I started calling her.  At first, it was nerve wrecking and without a doubt not one of my favorite things to do.  Often times, I fished for things to talk to her about and the right words.  But, like anything in this world, if you don’t give up, it gets easier.  I also made a point to visit her a few times a year.  Often times, the same thing happened when we were together…we had spurts of good conversation but they were often followed with awkward silences and uncomfortable body language.  Again, I knew I had to keep coming and before I knew it, she was telling me to “hurry back”, referring to me as “mi vida” (my life) when I called and telling my father she’s waiting for my call when she would speak to him.  So now, to be able to sit in silence with her and feel nothing but comfort, warmth and ease…well, its something I am so thankful for.  I am excited to see what’s in store for us but when I tell you I am savoring every day with this woman, every smile that she gives me and every moment that I am able to see myself in her…well it is the God’s honest truth.  As I type this history between Mama Maria and I, I am in awe…it has been 29 years in the making but well worth the wait.

Puerto Rico - Day 7

Max with his new haircut

Ahh well this morning started with a trip to the dog groomer at 8:30am.  Initially, Mama told me her crazy neighbor would take her.  Apparently a few things happened this morning and her crazy neighbor was nowhere to be found.  When Mama asked another neighbor if they’d seen her they said the crazy lady left with another older woman.  Mama then decided to come into my room and see if I would take her.  I was already awake when she walked in so I told her to give me 20 minutes and we would be well on our way.  So, we had Max at the groomer by 9am, then sitting in Ricomini Coffee shop having a cup of coffee and a breakfast sandwich by 9:30 am and shopping in Mr. Special (grocery store) by 10am.  No lie, I was beat by 11am.  It seems the crazy neighbor is now upset with Mama as she has not stopped by once.  Mama has made note of it several times today saying she’s pissed because she was looking forward to her $20 payment to drive Mama 3 miles max.  We’ll see how long she takes to come around again.

Our trip to Mr. Special was very cool, we picked up some fresh vegetables, fresh garlic, brown rice, black beans and almond milk (yes, I was in charge of the grocery list today).  I have big plans to incorporate several servings of fresh veggies and fruit into Mama’s diet daily and she is very aware of this.  By 3:30pm we were in the kitchen together getting ready for dinner.  We both had leftovers in the fridge that we just needed to reheat, but she wanted to fry some chicken for me and I wanted to make some sautéed veggies and a fresh salad for her.  We completed the meal with a healthy serving of avocado…man o man did these plates looked gorgeous!  In fact, I probably should have taken a picture!  Good news is Mama ate every veggie on her plate.  Bad news is I think I overdid it.  By the time she got to the last few bites she just looked at me and said, “This is a lot of lettuce.”  I promised her I’d ease up from now on after the second time she brought it up (after dinner…wait is it still considered dinner at 4:30pm?!).  She just chuckled, shook her head and walked away.

After “dinner”, we sat down to watch the news.  I must admit, I fell asleep for about 10 minutes (that meal knocked me out) but when I opened my eyes there was a riot live on television (see video)!

Apparently there is a huge issue on the island with public education funding.  The students from the University of Puerto Rico are in extreme opposition of a $800 fee the school/government is trying to impose in order to recover (like the rest of the world) from a recession.  I needed more information in English after viewing the images of young people going up against police officers in riot gear.  These young people are taking a stand.  I’m behind them because of their call to organize and action.  They aren’t going to take being silenced or bullied into paying a fee without being heard.  I am torn, though, because a mediator is needed and much of the island is looking at these students as trouble makers and cheap skates.  See, they’re causing a disruption and according to my grandmother, “…are going to cause the university to close and then no one will have access to education.”  My good friend Monica served as my internet search engine this afternoon (since mine is such a pain sometimes) and came up with this article giving a clearer explanation as to what is going down over here.  There is more to come regarding this matter…guaranteed!  Here is the link (thanks again Monica): http://mrzine.monthlyreview.org/2010/stanchich161210.html

Puerto Rico - Day 6

Church!  Today was church day.  My aunt had a list of them for me to try out in the immediate area, but unfortunately, she’s currently on the other side of the island until tomorrow.  So, I went to the church I visited last time I was here.  It’s pretty convenient because its only a 10 minute drive from my grandmother’s house.  While the church was very nice, and the people are equally as nice, the service itself was pretty uninspiring.  Back in New York I attend New Light Baptist Church.  We don’t have an actual church yet so service is held in the auditorium of a Harlem elementary school.  None of that matters though because the people, the music and the entire service speak to my heart every Sunday.  I look forward to fellowship and I am looking for that same feeling here.  The church by my grandma’s house needs the most help in their music department.  Their song selections, their energy, their instrumental choice, their lack of physical instruments, their lack of choir members…the list goes on.  I’m trying to figure out if this just isn’t the church for me, or if I’m supposed to help this church shuffle in a younger congregation with a new sound and some new ideas.  I think I might have to sit with this for awhile.  In the meantime, I’m supposed to attend church with Mama’s neighbor when I return in January.  We’ll see how that goes. 

Mama

I invite Mama to come to church with me every time I go.  She use to go to church every Sunday, with Papa, (my step grandfather) until he passed away about 7 years ago.  I always thought she just didn’t want to go to church anymore because she always had an excuse.  Today, I found out why she really won’t go.  She wants to go to HER church.  Her church is in Mayaguez, which is about 20 minutes away by car.  The problem is no one in her neighborhood goes to that church and she doesn’t drive (Papa use to drive her around everywhere in his Cadillac…he was so cute…I really miss him).  So, when I get back in January, you know I’m taking her to her church right?  Yeah, I’ve got to!

Speaking of Papa, as I was getting dressed this morning, Mama started blasting a Spanish CD.  I decided to turn my music off and listen to what she was listening to.  It was a really beautiful love CD.  When I was done getting dressed, I walked into the kitchen only to find her mopping the floor as happy as a clam.  I tell her (all in Spanish of course) “Mama, that music is nice, who’s the singer?” she responds “I don’t know, Papa gave it to me.  We got into a fight one day and he gave it to me as a gift.”  I almost melted right there. This woman mops her kitchen floor listening to a CD that her love, her ‘Pa’ gave her as a make up gift.  Who knows what type of memories run through her head and her heart when she hears that CD.  Aye, there are no words. 

Papa & Mama

The Papa I grew up with was always so loving, so funny and so smart.  It was not hard to see how much Mama and Papa loved each other and this was just another reminder of how deep true love runs.  When he passed, I was honestly worried about how well she’d do alone and if, like most couples, she would follow soon after.  But, my Mama isn’t going out like that.  Nope, there is still much here for her to do.  Now, I realize that although he’s ‘gone’ she keeps him with her in her own little ways. 

Today, she told me she can’t be sad, there is too much to be thankful for.  She knows that once you start doing that, it’s a one-way ticket a place of sadness and eventually depression.  She has a neighbor that she calls crazy.  This woman, I believe, serves as a reminder of how she doesn’t want to be.  She’s addicted to gambling, spends every penny she has in the casino, and then comes over to Mama’s house to borrow food for her pets, food for herself and Mama’s newspaper.  Every single day, during one of her many visits, she tells us that she’s depressed.  She speaks a little too fast for me so that’s about all I can gather thus far.  I’m sure she has an interesting story, but if you ask Mama, well, she’s just crazy.

Lobster soup!

Today’s Mama/Misha adventure consisted of Walmart (yes, again) and Walgreens.   I just need to make note of something at this time.  The parking lots are overflowing with cars at every store we visit!  Apparently, shopping is the favored pastime here.  I mean, like seriously.  Cars are parked illegally…on yellow lines, double-parked…you name it, they do it.  Mind you, these are mall parking lots just like those in the States.  It is insane how packed every single store we walk into is.  I’m sure there are a few credit card companies that are more than happy right now.

Mofongo de Langosta

Tons-o-lobster!

After we escaped the madness of the mall, we headed to Mama’s favorite restaurant, Raitos.  The only seafood that Mama eats is lobster.  The only place she truly enjoys the lobster in Puerto Rico is Raitos.  I must admit, it’s pretty damn tasty!  She got what she always gets…lobster soup and I got lobster mofongo (mashed plaintain).  There were HUGE chunks of lobster…and not like three or four…there were several pieces of juicy, tender delicious langosta (lobster) mmmmm.  Anyway, this meal served as an opportunity to confirm at least one thing on my infinite list of questions for her.   Today’s question was: Is my father really named after a postman who delivered him?  Her answer: Yes, hard to believe, but its true.  Apparently, he came early…she was only 7 months pregnant when she went into labor.  She still remembers what he weighed: 7lbs. 1 oz.  Now, to be fair, she was talking a mile a minute so the word for word story I am not yet able to translate, but my dad is without a doubt named after a postman who helped my grandmother when she went into labor.

Puerto Rico - Day 5

Great news hip hoppers!  It seems that I am finally settled in sleep wise!  I am happy to report that I was up at 7:30am…I was hoping that I was up before my grandmother but alas I stepped outside my room and saw her sitting in her recliner, dressed, with her newspaper in hand squinting at each page as if she were surveying and scrutinizing each article.  As soon as I got up I headed to the front porch to complete something that had been bothering me from the night before.  Last night while I successfully updated my blog, I was unable to successfully post a video to it.  This morning, I figured it out! 

Let me just take a moment to say that I am in the midst of what I like to call technology purgatory.  Its not necessarily full fledge hell, but it sure ain’t heaven either!  Verizon abandoned Puerto Rico about a year or two ago and since then a company called Claro has pretty much taken over.  Now, I am a Verizon customer and always have been since I purchased my first cell back in ’99.  That being said, I came prepared to have certain service issues but also took a few precautionary measures before coming out here.  One of those measures was purchasing Tether for my Blackberry.  This application allows me to use my cell phone to gain access to the Internet via my laptop.  So, as long as I have cell service, I have Internet service.  But remember, my cell service is pretty shotty.  Initially, I was connecting my phone to my computer via a USB cable thinking that a direct link between the two would be my best shot.  I was SO wrong!  Last night/this morning I discovered the wonders of Bluetooth technology!  I may be years late but I don’t care I am celebrating like they just rolled this baby off the factory line!  I figured out how to sync my phone to my laptop so now, sending files like pictures and videos happens in a snap!  The phone and the laptop like literally ‘talk’ to each other.  Transferring those files was so easy that I decided to try to use my Tether app via Bluetooth and I am now streaming the Internet like I’m in a cyber café! Of course, I still rely on the strength of my signal, so the best place to be is on my grandma’s front porch…but since the weather is so nice, I really don’t mind it!  Ok so that is my tech geek moment for the day.

Moving on, I made note yesterday of my trepidation regarding waiving the insurance on my rental car.  I waived it because my father had told me last time I was out here that if I am using my credit card, I should have insurance coverage.  For some reason though I had this nagging feeling that I needed to look into that further.  So, this morning I got on the phone and found out that although my dad was right and I was covered under my card, I still needed to purchase liability coverage through my rental company.  Nope, I couldn’t just add it on over the phone.  Yep, I had to drive back to the airport in order to handle that and so …it was time for another Misha/Mama adventure!  This time, we decided to take our trusty mascot Max (Mama’s yorkie who is her little prince)….so really it was a Misha/Mama/Max adventure (M³ )!

Today’s adventure consisted of Mama mostly giving me car advice.  Its painfully apparent she wants to ride in style.  She wants nothing less than a year 2000 and she really wants me to purchase from a dealer.  She says people aren’t how they use to be and she’d prefer that I have a place I can go to if I run into any problems with the car rather than purchasing it from a person off the street.  One thing about Puerto Rico, man, there are cars for sale on the side of every roadway!  So, its not that there is a shortage of cars to choose from, its just deciding what, from who and at what cost.  I promised her I’d try to make a purchase this week as she has offered to help me out a bit.

Arepas

Also, on our way to the airport I mentioned I was a bit hungry (yes, again) but I had good reason…this morning I cut up a few apples and bananas for the two of us and paired it with a piece of pan de tetita and some cream cheese.  Then, I went for a run in the sun just around high noon.  So, by the time 2/3pm came around I was ready for a little somethin’ somethin’!  She then told me about this new phenomenon of side road treats called arepas.  Apparently Venezuelans and Columbians are setting up shop in PR and making a killing off their street trucks selling arepas!  Arepas are like a sandwich except instead of bread, it’s like a corn meal patty and then meat and cheese are inserted in the middle.  Mama spoke about them like they were the best thing since slice bread so as soon as I saw one, I pulled over.  It was a nice break from the monotony of driving for 45 minutes straight and gave Max an opportunity to take a little walk.  Well, let me tell you, first the arepa was just ok.  Mama tried it and agreed.  She says the Venezuelan truck near the mall puts way more meat and cheese in theirs and just tastes better (I stopped at a Columbian truck).  Second, I thought I was going to be caught smack in the middle of a dog fight today!   Let me explain…

So, we go to get out the car  and walk to the arepa stand when Mama hands me Max and says "Let him out on your side."  Max was giving me a problem and would not move from my seat so I had to force him out the car.  As soon as I did that I turn to my right and there is a medium/large sized black dog right there…ready to sniff Max.  About 17 different things ran through my head at that moment and they went a little something like this:

Oh shit! Where did this dog come from?  Oh no he’s gonna bite me!  Oh my goodness he’s gonna go for Max any minute now…oh shit!  If he gets Max my grandmother will never forgive me!  Ahhh!  Yell, stomp, yell at the dog Michelle! “Get out of here! AYE!!!” He’s not moving, oh no Max is barking now!  Save him Misha, save Max!  Save yourself! Oh no what if he has a disease!! (I just realized maybe the dog didn’t move because he didn’t speak English LOL)

Meanwhile my grandmother is sitting there cool as a cucumber telling me to just pick Max up and throw him in the car.  Now, if any of you know me, you know that me being caught between two dogs…one I have to physically pick up and the other I have to try to shoo away…well, that was an internal struggle like no other.  I’m happy to report that I am still here though.  Alive and well, yet as I type I am avoiding eye contact with my grandmother’s kinda pet cat (she keeps it in a sectioned off part of the house where it, thankfully, never interacts with us).  That fat thing is scary looking, especially at 12:30am on a lonely block in a very quite Puerto Rican neighborhood.

Ok, I got church tomorrow…see yall on the flip side!

Puerto Rico - Day 4

Pan de Tetita (half eaten)

Last night I slept over Titi Annie’s house so that I could pick up the two boxes I mailed to her PO Box while I was still in New York.  The plan was to wake up early, take a jog on the beach, pick up un pan de tetita (a little titty bread…see photo and you’ll get it), come back and then head to the post office with Titi.  Well, I woke up later than I originally planned to so I figured I’d just jog to the panaderia (bakery) and walk back…that was until I walked about 5 feet from the house and spotted two different loose dogs. 

Here’s where I stand on this dog thing: A) good thing I got over this dog fear thing I had before I came to Puerto Rico because let me tell you, Puerto Ricans and dogs are like peanut butter and jelly.  It’s unreal.  B) when it comes to other people’s dogs, I am still a bit leery but not afraid like I use to be. C) when it comes to stray dogs or random dogs in the street with a collar but not much else, well I’m straight up afraid.

So, that being said, I walked my butt right back to Titi’s house, hopped in the car and knocked out all my errands (post office and everything).  I was back at her house eating pan de tetita with boiled eggs and more of that delicious tea by 10am!   But, of course, I still had not exercised.  I do NOT want to be mistaken for a snowman when I return to New York for Christmas, so going one more day eating the way I’ve been eating and NOT exercising was just unacceptable.  As if Titi were reading my mind, she informed me of a track close to her house…she also said there was an indoor gym there that she thought might be free.  I took her driving directions, prayed for traveling mercies and headed out.  I didn’t get insurance on my rental car and I’ve been worried about that decision ever since I drove off from the airport.  I think my credit card provides car insurance but I’m not sure so until I speak to them I’m on pins and needles.  If they don’t offer insurance coverage I’m going to have to call Thrifty and see if I can add it on for the next few days just so I can have some peace of mind.

Anywhoo, I made it safely to the track, just in time for the noon sun of course.  Luckily, the weather out here has been magnificent.  It averages in the 80’s and for the last few days I’ve been able to wear jeans and ¾ sleeve shirts without breaking a sweat.  The nights are gorgeous.  Mama and I just stepped out onto the porch a few minutes ago because there was a lot of activity happening on her street.  Apparently there was a church group who decided to pack themselves into the back of a few pick up trucks and proclaim that “Jesus is the reason for the season!” (in Spanish of course) all while playing guidos and singing religious songs with a salsa beat.  I tried to grab video of it…we’ll see if I can make it work on this blog-o-mine.  Anyway, our nosiness gave us an opportunity to appreciate the beautiful evening…its something that’s really hard to put into words.  A sky that’s something out of Pirates of the Caribbean…crisp, clear, almost fake.  A breeze that would make my mother smile any day of the week and a stillness…even through the blaring church songs…a stillness that just makes you feel like you’ve been embraced and blessed by the universe all at once.

Sams doesn't give bags, they give boxes!

There were more Mama/Misha adventures today.  We started around 2:45pm and headed for Borders.  I’ve been looking for some meaningful gifts for folks and so I knew Borders would be a place I could find a few things I was looking for.  Mama lead the way and man, she is sharp as a tact!  Spotting the store when I couldn’t and parking spots when I didn’t.  I used my Spanish skills at the register to negotiate a discount for a not so perfect book I wanted to purchase…only to find out that I didn’t need the discount because the $20 book actually rang up for 98 cents! 

Mama leaving Sam's Club and posing for me

After Borders we rolled out to Sam’s Club…another store that Mama just loves to browse.  Do you know how big Sam’s is?!  How many things there are to look at?!  I don’t know how that woman does it!  My feet and legs were aching so much that I went and hid in the paper towel section for awhile and even popped a squat on an 18 pack of Bounty.  Mama insists on paying for a lot of things so I started that conversation with her early.  I explained to her that I’m living with her now, the least I can do is pay for groceries.  Finally she begrudgingly allowed me to pay…but insisted on filling up my gas tank.

On our way back home, a royal blue car passed in front of us.  She looked at it for awhile and then told me that she just loves that color car.   She went on to explain that her honey, ‘Papa’ (my step-grandfather who served as the only grandfather I’d ever come to know) use to have a Ford that color.  Then the story got fuzzy because I think she said that he got into an accident in that car with a Mercedes and ended up in the hospital but I’m not too sure.  I really can’t wait until the language is no longer a barrier.   I mean, we’re growing closer daily and as each day passes, more and more information is being relayed…I just need to be quick enough to catch it.  There’s a song called Paciencia y Fe (Patience & Faith) from one of my favorite Broadway plays (In The Heights).  It’s all that is running through my head as I write this entry.  Paciencia y Fe Misha, Paciencia y Fe…

Puerto Rico - Day 3

Day 3 was supposed to start with grandma and I having a wonderful breakfast.  Instead, it started with grandma knocking on my door at 7:30am telling me she was headed to the doctor’s office.  I offered her a ride but she said her neighbor was taking her, and she just wanted to let me know where she was going.  So, I had the house to myself and I used that time to unpack, get fully settled and rearrange my bedroom.

Although she left at 7:30am, mama didn’t get home until after 12:30pm!  Apparently in Puerto Rico, even if you have an appointment with the doctor, you have to walk in and take a number (yeah, like you’re in a deli).  She was number 5 and therefore waited for quite a few hours to be seen.  The health coverage issue definitely extends to Puerto Rico.   Today my grandmother paid $84 for a tube of cream!  Her total prescription bill came out to be $112!  She explained to me how much she has to pay to see certain doctors and how some of her prescriptions aren’t covered at all…and that’s how you end up paying $84 for a tube of cream and hundreds of dollars for an MRI.  While she was explaining all of this, I began to feel helpless.  I mean, healthcare coverage is over my head period…never mind healthcare coverage in Puerto Rico, dealing with Spanish-speaking doctors and healthcare providers for my elderly grandmother.  But, I listened to her and made note of whatever I could.  Later, I met up with my aunt and explained to her the frustration I felt because of how much she was spending, what the doctors were telling her and how I would normally be right with her asking every question under the sun but I just feel paralyzed because of the language.  Thankfully, my aunt put things into perspective and offered to help me navigate the healthcare issue, as she had to navigate it in dealing with my other grandma’s coverage when she was alive.  Also, when it comes to my questions for mama’s doctors, she said to think in Spanish and write out my questions ahead of time in Spanish… "just take it one step at a time, you can’t expect to express yourself as quickly or aggressively as you can in English, at least not yet.”  Patience is the name of the game I guess.  I do feel better after talking to Titi and our conversation helped affirm that I can really make a difference here.

Other notes from today:

I walked around Walmart for a solid hour with mama as we waited for her prescription to be filled.  Initially, it was great because I was able to get several items I needed, but that lasted about 20 minutes.  The next 40 were filled with window shopping the entire store with mama who was all too happy to do it.  She gets pleasure out of the oddest things…just looking at everything on the shelves, picking them up, reading them and then putting them back.  I must admit, my Blackberry came in handy a few times, as I had to escape to the land of e-mails and IM’s if only for a little bit.

I found out my grandma’s birthday today…she had to recite it a few times to the pharmacist.  July 18, 1924.  Yes, 1924!

Mama chose the Ponderosa for lunch today.  I don’t think I’ve stepped foot inside a Ponderosa since I was a kid, but there I was...ordering from 1 of 12 menu options at the entrance and picking up my cafeteria style tray.  As I dished myself a nice helping of salad from the salad bar and listened to soft jazz play in the empty restaurant, something occurred to me…I pulled out my Blackberry and formulated a new Instant Message.  This one read : “I’m now in a Ponderosa after strolling around Walmart for an hour.  I may need visitors soon…if I don’t I’m afraid my personality will become that of a retired woman in her mid 80s.”

Mama's suggestion for lotion 

Today I asked mama for lotion and she didn’t have any.  So, while we were standing in line waiting to put her prescriptions in, she turns to her right and says “Aye Misha, mira, tu necesitas locion, aqui es jelly… “(Hey Misha, look, you need lotion, her is jelly…) as she squints, I look and interrupt her.  “Mama eso no es locion, es por sexo.  Todo que esta aqui es por sexo.” (Mama that is not lotion, that’s for sex.  Everything that’s there is for sex.)  She was about to suggest that I purchase KY Jelly as my new body lotion!  When she realized there was nothing but condoms and other sex items on those shelves she cracked up, turned her back, and never glanced over there again.   It was awesome.

Good night all, till tomorrow.