Is it ok to go back in order to move forward? Upon first glance, I believe most would answer "no". Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt for looking back, Henry David Thoreau said "Never look back unless you are planning to go that way", and I just wouldn't be me if I didn't recognize Andre 3,000 when (in one of my favorite songs to this day) he gleefully boasts "Spaceships don't come equipped with rear view mirrors/They dip as quick as they can..."Now, back to Thoreau who said "Never look back unless you are planning to go that way". I hear him, and interpreting this quote depends on what set of eyes you're wearing today. This could be a forewarning of doom and gloom, danger and wasted time. Heartache, pain, quicksand, if you will. Or, it could symbolize a sort of purposeful journey for atonement. We've been warned that most times its one of the bigger pitfalls of human beings, believing that they can make right what once went wrong. Based on television, movies, and even books, we get a sort of mixed message. If the protagonist is trying to make up for wrongdoing or lost time, well they're usually undeniably charming, genuine and successful. But, if the protagonist is the one needing closure through revenge...well, then sorry Charlie, atonement, totally not happening.
So where do I weigh in on this? I agree with Thoreau 100%. You can't look back thinking your not going to go backwards a bit. I did it. A year and a half ago, I looked back at the sorry excuse for a relationship I had with my grandmother and I decided to go back --- back to my "roots", back to the confusion that narrated chunks of my childhood, and back to me. See, time progressed and I simply moved forward. At a certain point, entertaining everyone around me became all I could identify with. Sure, I was "moving forward", but there was a staccato-like progression. Looking back forced me to grow, to look in the mirror, to deal. My grandmother will never change, no matter how many pictures of our family I throw in her face, she will still have the same half interested tone and demeanor she's always had. But, I know who she is now, and as a result, I can accept her...today, yesterday, and tomorrow. We can't control people. We can't make them into who we think they should be, force them to act how we think they should act, or expect them to see us how we see ourselves. We can control how we treat them though. No, its not always easy. Believe me. Hearing, reading, and/or seeing adverse responses to you and your character when you are trying as hard as they are to get through this roller coaster called life --- well it can down right hurt and enrage you. Sometimes you just want to look them in the eye and say "Damn it Mama, just say sorry! Just say you made some freakin' mistakes and you wish things were different!"; "Damn it (fill in name here), it is NOT all about you! Everything everyone does is not a testimony to your worth or lack thereof! Find your confidence, find yourself, and lose the dark cloud Linus!!"; "I'm sorry things didn't work out (fill in name here), but if you're really honest with yourself, you know that it was NEVER yours to begin with!" I digress.
Looking back taught me what love is. Unconditional love. Doing things when you don't want to, not doing things when you do want to, finding the strength to go the extra mile, coming face to face with the mistakes you've made and owning up to them. Humility. Patience. Peace. It also showed me that my worth is not found in anyone but myself. I don't count because Mama says I do (or anyone else for that matter). I count because I count. I'm happy because I am -- happy. Comfortable in my own skin - finally! I know I'm here because, somehow, I fit into the grand design--which is far greater than a small island in the Caribbean, my Bronx street, or even my place in my family. So, Mr. Thoreau, I say sometimes looking back is just the thing you need to propel you forward.
